Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   24 hours in a day... Except on Monday. That b*tch has at least 50.

   I'm looking for a few women to form a playgroup on weekday afternoons....... No kids, please.......

   When someone tells your their birthday, you immediately add 3 months to see when their parents screwed. Everyone does that, right?

   As a kid if a boy liked a girl he'd poke her, call her dirty names & pull hair until she cried. Odd, as an adult girls beg guys to do that.

   I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.

   My girlfriend gave me a lift in her car. I said I can smell something, I think you're burning oil... ...she said that can't be I haven't put any oil in it!

   If women were labeled "heroes" instead of "sluts" for sleeping around too much, us guys would be having a lot more sex. Someone messed up here...

   When I saw my new girlfriend for the first time, it was like looking at a fine piece of priceless art. So I took her home and nailed her against the wall.

   If you see an onion ring…answer it!

   Nothing makes me want to leave a web page more than a popup window saying, "Are you sure you want to leave this page?"

   Dear Santa, Please send your credit card numbers. it's only fair since you're getting the credit for the gifts, that you should start paying for them also.

   Tip for the ladies: If you want a man to leave you alone at a bar, don't tell him you have a boyfriend. They don't care.Tell him you have a pen is.

   My buddy asked me, "What are 5 things you would take with you in a zombie apocalypse?" I replied, "That's simple. 5 people slower than me!"

   The world isn't going to end today. Anyway, I'll check the status of my joke after the Winter Solstice, I can't get a signal in my nuclear bomb shelter...

   I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway.

   A lot of people will disappoint you in life. Don't let any of them be you.

   When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.

   The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren't going to see me 7 more times before then.

   To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.

   The Mayans have predicted that the world will end on December 21st 2012. I keep thinking I should make some kind of preparation for survival. But then I've only just finished the last can of baked beans I bought for the Millennium Bug.