Huck Funny Status Messages

   I'd save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.

   Fun thing to do # 58: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you're the valet. 3. Say yes.

   Oh, you lost your phone and it's on silent? That's too bad. If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it.

   People who work in retail: How do you do it??? I am merely a humble line participant, and I want to choke everyone around me.

   If there's one thing in this world that everyone can agree on it's... "Goonies never say die!"

   My generation's zombies didn't run. They walked. Uphill. In the snow. They ate what brains they could find and they liked it.

   Accidentally spilled tear gas, and then realized there's no point in crying over it.

   My car is making an odd noise right now, but I treat my car problems like my emotional problems, ignore them until a breakdown.

   Sometimes after I try to parallel park, I'll just get out and stand with my hands on my hips like a relief pitcher who just blew a save.

   It's because donkey and monkey don't rhyme that I'm so angry at the world.

   How to open a card: 1. Pretend to read card 2. Pretend to not look for money If money found: 3. Show gratitude OR 4. Feign gratitude

   Got some stain remover that takes out grass, urine, sweat, coffee, and lipstick stains. Sounds like quite an evening.

   You can tell its getting warmer out. The first mullets of spring have appeared.

   All voicemail systems tell you the date and time of the message, so can you please, please, please stop telling me what time it is.

   I like to draw graffiti on highway overpasses. Things like "clearance 40 feet".

   Just assassinated a huge spider with a slingshot and a Flintstone vitamin if anyone's looking for a bodyguard.

   Is it necessary for every office-building stairwell to look like a Law & Order crime scene?

   You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. You can, however, make a pretty decent ham wallet.

   The Cowboys just signed a "No Super Bowl for six more years" contract today

   When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy