Aaron Funny Status Messages

   You can take one hell of a beating from an olive branch.

   I'm torn between having 'wish you were here' or 'look behind you' engraved on my headstone.

   I'm at my best when no one is around.

   I'm so hungry I could drink 5 more beers.

   Do what you love, but run like hell as soon as you hear the sirens.

   Of Course I talk to myself... Sometimes I need expert advice!

   I see you over there practicing selective intelligence.

   I keep it real like a bad magician.

   nothing makes me forget something faster than your reminder.

   Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

   It feels like Robert De Niro just walks onto random film sets and says "I'm in this now."

   Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.

   Pardon me while I slip into something a little more... unconscious.

   Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can't tell anyone about.

   It takes 43 muscles to frown, and yet it's still not an Olympic event. Ridiculous.

   Homeless guy walking by this bar patio looked at me and said "I'm your future," and I was like "Sweet, we have a cool beard."

   I tried exercise but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

   Just shredded cheese by hand. Sorry in advance for the pieces of nails and skin.

   I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”

   I met Eminem once, he was pretty awkward, his palms were sweaty, his knees weak, arms were heavy, vomit on his sweater already....