Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A cop asked if I'd had anything to drink, and I thought it would be amusing to do a little Sinatra for him. So I sang, "Beers. I've had a few. But then again, too few to mention." We laughed and gave each other a high five and now I'm in jail.

   buy ur girl Coldplay tickets or else her boss will

   what do you call a group of humans? an infestation

   Judo is what you use to make bagels. 🥯

   I don't know what's worse: Being caught cheating at a Coldplay concert, or just plain caught being at a Coldplay concert.

   I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add

   The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.

   Burger King has debuted its bacon sundae. It comes with whipped cream and a note that says "Do not resuscitate."

   f Oxygen was discovered in 1772.... what did people breathe before then?

   Old groupies never die. Their pussies merely dry up and wither away.

   As a kid, I used to watch the Wizard of Oz and wonder how the scarecrow could talk without a brain. Then I got Facebook.

   If humans are involved, the propensity for disaster exists.

   I tried to find powdered eggs for a camping trip. None to be found anywhere. I found out powdered chickens are on strike.

   I'm not giving you the middle finger; I'm showing half of a peace sign.

   The more I study the differences between the Beatles as a group vs their solo careers, the more I realize that the Beatles as a group could have been easily named the George Martin Project.

   Air Poland is now Air Jetski.

   A friend: Here's a picture of me when I was youMy friend: Here's a picture of me when I was younger. Me: All pictures of you are when you were younger.nger. Me: All pictures of you are when you were younger.

   Robocop is just a Terminator that hunts minorities.. And dogs

   Missus Beasley gaema hat!

   He's Trump, not Moses. He can't part waters. Blaming him for the Texas flooding is complete nonsense.