Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do I like most about my job? Payday, breaks and leaving.

   Amazon Prime day is the equivalent to Scholastic Book Day when I was in school! Damn I'm old!

   We need gun control we almost lost Trump

   Welcome to social media! A person who does not understand humor will contact you shortly.

   Ear today. Gone tomorrow.

   If I block you on social media and you see me in public, the block still applies in real life.

   Jim Morrison was right. People are strange.

   If the girl don't Hucktuah,you don't need to talktuah!

   Just once in my life, I'd actually like to see a liar's pants catch on fire.

   Whoever came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has clearly never been to Walmart during the day.

   You older women who are impressed that 25 year olds are attracted to you... Newsflash: 25 year olds would sleep with a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's Syrup if they could get her legs open.

   The difference between jam and jelly is I can't jelly my dong in my wife's blow hole.

   If you identify as non-binary I want you to answer this question with a yes or no only: Do your parents know you're an imbecile?

   This recipe calls for leftover bacon… Might as well be asking for dragon tenderloin or Bigfoot steaks… jest sayin

   Always hated going to doctor’s even when I’m at my sickest .. not that I don’t trust them … I just don’t feel like paying em!

   After 40 years of marriage will gay guys call their spouse the old balls and chain?

   If we tell people the brain is an app, maybe they’ll start using it.

   Ever spent money so quickly that you felt like somebody stole it?

   I have to make it to heaven, I want to see Circuit City and Blockbuster again.

   The bad news is many earthquakes in California have caused severe property damage. The good news is on the days that they hit, bowling scores are at their highest ever!