Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1499 of 6446

FACT: If you ever see a bear, lie down, curl in the fetal position. The bear will then lay behind you as the big spoon & ask you how your day was

Apparently my nipples approve of the cool weather...
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10-03-2015 09:09 by Steve OH
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Drive around me, can't you see I'm taking a selfie here?
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10-03-2015 08:45
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I cuddle on the first date.
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10-03-2015 07:58
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Remember this weekend to help your girl relax by telling her she "needs to relax."
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10-03-2015 07:40 by Czovczov
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Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
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10-03-2015 01:48
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I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my girlfriend’s mom who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
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10-03-2015 01:47
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*First date. Her. "Shall we carve our names onto this tree" Me. "You brought a knife?"
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10-03-2015 01:45
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*wakes up from 2 year coma surrounded by friends & family Where's my phone?
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10-03-2015 01:42
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My bucket list: ◻️ Beer ◻️ Ice
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10-03-2015 01:39
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I give to charity, I don't recycle my aluminum cans and just throw them in the garbage. Not one homeless person in my area.
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10-03-2015 01:03
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Saving Private Ryan, Interstellar and now The martian. How much money does America have to spend to keep saving Matt Damon's ass?
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10-02-2015 23:50 by @firstrax
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I'm not saying Putin is humiliating president Obama but the last time a Russian treated an African American this way, Apollo Creed died...
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10-02-2015 15:40
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Never get attached to your coworkers. You might have to throw them at a deranged gunman someday
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10-02-2015 12:24 by Dude
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I tried holding the door open for a woman at the coffee shop this morning but she just kept yelling "close the door, I'm trying to pee in here!!". Some people are so ungrateful
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10-02-2015 06:43 by Hillbilly
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NASA scientist sees me eating a corn chip I found in my shoe and cancels the program to stop an asteroid hitting the Earth
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10-02-2015 03:37 by snotty
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(Calm announcers voice) And Here we see Flavor Flav panicking as he crosses the International Date Line
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10-02-2015 03:30 by snotty
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[Price Is Right with me in contestants row].. Drew Carey: Sir what is your bid?.. Me: I don't want that.. Drew: Sir you have to bid.. Me: [leans down to mic] No thank you.
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10-02-2015 03:19 by snotty
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Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
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10-02-2015 01:07
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There are smart men, handsome men, rich men, sexy men and sweet men and then there is the combination of all 5 We call that one a "unicorn"
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10-02-2015 01:05
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