Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1499 of 6452

911: "How can I help you?" Me: "This thong is wedged so far up my ass that I..." 911: click
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10-12-2015 01:55
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Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "an@l" in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
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10-12-2015 00:57 by Czovczov
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Hey girls,the best time to give a blowjob is when there's a football game on TV. It sounds like 50,000 people are cheering for you.
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10-12-2015 00:57 by Czovczov
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I'd really love to see you tonight....no, really.....leave your blinds open!
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10-12-2015 00:56
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Nothing says you have been friend-zoned for life like when she invites you to her wedding.
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10-12-2015 00:42
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So let me try to understand this…being a vegan is your whole personality?
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10-12-2015 00:18
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In his defense, everyone sounds drunk when they say "I'm Shia LaBeouf"
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10-12-2015 00:17
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Monday... that better not be your ugly ass I see peeking around the corner!

Date a girl who watches football with you and lets you grab her ass during commercials.

Let's cuddle, eat junk food and watch football.

cons also want 29 virgins, they're called cousins and step sisters
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10-11-2015 10:31
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Brush your teeth first before you say my name.
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10-11-2015 08:32
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Who's in bed with their phones ?
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10-11-2015 07:46
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I found something hard in my vegetable soup last night......It was only the wheelchair
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10-11-2015 01:55
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It's nice to see that SNL let Miss Piggy host SNL tonight
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10-11-2015 00:04 by cpaman
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I don’t understand why they call that place Hooters. They ought to change their name to Hardees, because sometimes I have to wait twenty minutes before I can get up to pay the bill.
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10-10-2015 16:52 by greencat
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I met a farmer who genetically altered a turkey to have 6 legs. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn't know. He couldn't catch it.

I met a farmer who genetically altered a turkey legs. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn't know. He couldn't catch it.

A new message will appear here in 15 minutes. If one does not, kindly re-read this note.

If Cocoa Beach isn't made of hot chocolate, I don't wanna hear about it.