Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FLASH floods are just regular floods except they show you their junk!

   Watching 50 Shades of Grey and O.M.G. My playroom Looks. Exactly. Like. That!

   We're going to IKEA. I might get a Strömphümpclūmpër, if they haven't got any of those I'll just buy some Płürplöpš and a höööphükïnéll..

   WAKE UP America!!! Are we going to let five UNELECTED dentists decide whether or not we choose Trident?

   Last I checked, the Confederate flag turned white.

   Fox news lied to me. Gay marriage is legal and I haven't married my cousin or my pet.

   Same sex marriage? Hell, I know couples who would be happy with a SOME sex marriage

   If I owned a theme park I’d name it Three Flags because I’d probably half-ass it..

   My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...

   There are soo many Rainbows on Facebook I can taste it- Skittles...

   How much is SNL paying Donald Trump to run for President?

   My Pinterest account was hacked godammit. As soon as I find out who's responsible, I'm knitting a voodoo doll. No one fcuks with SewEZ2love

   Gay Divorce Court is going to be hilarious.

   Re: "there are only 380 million Americans" .....yes there are.... And we still RULE THE WORLD!!!

   I'm pretty sure Chris Christie isn't running for president. He may be walking briskly, but he's definitely not running for anything.

   The best thing about being an Atheist is that no one watches you masturbate, unless you want them to.

   What is an acceptable age to give a kid a Facebook account as a birthday present?

   Gay marriage absolutely has affected me. I sat on my couch tonight, looked around, and questioned the decor in my living room.....these colors are so last week.

   The inventor of yodelling has died. Sadly, so did his little old lady too.

   [Marketing Meeting] "Let's say people get laid when they eat our chips." Nope, too direct... "What about "Lays" Potato chips?" Perfect!.