Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.

   "Looks like we're all here. WHO WANTS HAMBURGERS?" I say to three cats & a cardboard cutout of Boba Fett at my 4th of July BBQ.

   Plot twist: WebMD says you're just thirsty

   (to every zookeeper at every exhibit at the zoo).. ME: If that thing comes on to my lawn,, I'll shoot it

   When life hands you lemons. Freeze them until they're rock solid and throw them at people you don't like. . .

   Did any one else get cat-fished by taco bells breakfast?

   You should be with your best friend. If you can't send them hilarious pictures of your poop, it's just not going to work out.

   I think the guy in the stall next to me,, is playing tennis.

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit on his ass and drink beer all afternoon.

   Give a man A fish, and you'll feed him for a day,,, Give a man a Jellyfish, and you can pee on him...

   I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to pray and he will starve waiting for fish to fall from the sky.

   Sure, my dog keeps running into the wall head first but you have to admit he looks way smarter since he started wearing my reading glasses.

   McDonald's is going through a downward spiral and they can't figure out how to stop it?!? Hello serve breakfast all day...

   When all the confusion exhibited at a four way stop is considered, it's really quite surprising that we ever made it to the top of the food chain

   An ISIS terrorist was temporarily detained at the US border, when his prayer rug was mistaken for a Confederate Flag.

   Wow! U.S. accepted Cuba BEFORE accepting Justin Bieber?There is hope down there. (Canadian observer)

   Hash tagging more than a few times in a post is like wearing Ed Hardy.

   Before drinking an "energy drink", pause to consider this: How are you going to use that extra energy to better serve Christ?

   My bad, Obama is demanding British rocker Billy Idol change Rebel Yell to Rainbow Yell.