Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

   If everyday is a gift then today was socks...

   If you're last name is Walker and you aren't a Texas ranger, I'll assume you have disgraced your family by choosing another profession.

   How does Sean Connery shave? Ctrl + S

   How can someone who makes less than 200,000 a year vote Republican I'll never understand.

   My neighbours kids pretend restaurant sucks,, The service is horrible here and the prices are outrageous.

   You havent truly hated me until you've heard me eat a bag of chips while you're trying to watch a movie.

   *watching news report of zombie apocalypse* Me: This is great. No work today!

   I'm from Canada, but they kicked me out 'cause I wasn't sorry.

   Safety Rule #1. Never put your hand where you wouldn't put your willy

   I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat. She said it rang a bell but didn't know if it was there or not.

   After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"

   People who work at McDonalds act like the sauces come out of their wages, just throw 5 in the bag and behave.

   What if oxygen is poisonous and it just takes 75-100 years to kill us...

   I'm flirtatious, which means i'm poor.

   If you think that age is just a number, then prison is just a house .

   Gotta love Lamar Odom.... This is the first time in history the hookers and coke actually saved a guy's marriage.... Rock on Lamar

   Halloween is a great time to get rid of any expired or unused meds.

   Trigger Warning: if someone's free speech offends you, maybe the United States is not the country for you....

   Sorry you stood next to me at the urinal in sandals, bro. What did we learn from this unfortunate accident?