Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.

   Every musical should have a minor character that's aware of all the music and dancing and is visibly terrified.

   FACT: being a constant delight just comes naturally to me.

   I got caught in the rain once. Apparently you have to bring your own piña coladas.

   Do athletic people not know about Netflix?

   I hope I'm the last guy on earth -- I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.

   I thought about you this morning. I was cleaning my gun.

   The best time to weigh yourself is after the exorcism.

   Stop fcukin whining about being alone and lower your standards like the rest of us

   You're in charge of your own happiness, I tell myself, refilling my drink.

   911: "How can I help you?" Me: "This thong is wedged so far up my ass that I..." 911: click

   Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "an@l" in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

   Hey girls,the best time to give a blowjob is when there's a football game on TV. It sounds like 50,000 people are cheering for you.

   I'd really love to see you tonight....no, really.....leave your blinds open!

   Nothing says you have been friend-zoned for life like when she invites you to her wedding.

   So let me try to understand this…being a vegan is your whole personality?

   In his defense, everyone sounds drunk when they say "I'm Shia LaBeouf"

   Monday... that better not be your ugly ass I see peeking around the corner!

   Date a girl who watches football with you and lets you grab her ass during commercials.

   Let's cuddle, eat junk food and watch football.