Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BATMAN: I am the guardian of the night SPIDERMAN: With great power comes great responsibility CATWOMAN: Guys, help, I'm stuck in a tree.

   5 manly shampoo scents: 1. Beef Jerky 2. Cigar smoke 3. Gun powder 4. Lawn clippings 5. Home Depot.

   There's no way to close your curtains without looking like your murdered everyone in your house.

   If you don’t want people asking for rides again, say yes the first time but don’t show up.

   to all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July

   it wrong to ask someone with a eye patch"was it all fun and games up to that point?"

   There should be an energy drink named 6 AM child

   "Ham-fisted" sounds glorious to some.

   You know you have been neglecting your own life when you keep up with the Kardashians, know most celebrities’ birthdays and are up to date on most celebrities’ lives and know all their favourite foods.

   If you look in the mirror & say Candyman 3 times, my father will appear & tell you that you're getting fat.

   It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!

   No Woman will take over my life again,,,,,whats that, be right there honey.!

   Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

   I just tossed two almonds in my bag of skittles. So now it's TRAIL MIX, and therefore healthy.

   I wonder if Guinness has a world record for "number of times you've had the exact same argument".

   "What's your name?" "Who's your daddy?" "Is he rich like me?" These "reset your password" questions are getting kind of weird.

   Happy birthday America, so what are we offended by today?

   Keep in mind that "The Cat in the Hat" is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you're gone...

   Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it's been since you've had a date?

   The Girl in front of me at Starbucks just asked if they have Pumpkin Spice lattes yet... But don't worry ... I pulled off her Uggs & beat her with them.