Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I quess Kate Steinle didn't look enough like Obama's daughters for him to give a damn about her.

   They’re called mimosas because breakfast booze sounds too alcoholic-y.

   you never know a crossfitter works out just by looking at them, that's why they have to tell you about it every ten minutes.

   I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.

   Please stop calling it "guac" like you two pledged a sorority together your sophomore year. It's guacamole.

   thinks those that have the grass is greener complex are never happy unless they're miserable

   When the power goes out in WV...2% of the time a transformer has blown....18% of the time a tree has fell on the line...80% of the time someone wrecked into a Utility Pole.

   Did you hear about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

   I would save a lot of money if they made all shirts the exact same color as salsa.

   What's the prescription strength number for cupcakes?

   I have dragon slayer on my resume. Nobody's had the nutsack to call me on it, yet...

   The grass is green where you water it.

   It takes Axl Rose approximately 12 minutes to sing 2 verses of "Head, Shoulders, na-na-na-na-na-na-Knees and Toes."

   "Sharks are like dogs, they only bite when you touch their private parts"-Shark Week lesson of the day

   Remember way back when the only thing that was annoying on your feed were game requests?

   I hate it when I have a bunch of company over and I don't have enough cholophorme for all of them and I have to use it on myself.

   I've wanted to run away from home WAY more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.

   Fact: Any woman that says that a way to a man's heart is through his stomch is aweful at blow jobs.

   I'm on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.

   Now that the Confederate Flag has been removed that will stop all of the hate and murders in this country