Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't make me take my bra off.... Because without it.... you will see I have bigger balls than any guy out there!

   During a fight with your wife tell her you're bored

   never in my entire life have I cooked the right amount of spaghetti noodles.

   (At Costco) Hi can I just have a water bottle "Sorry sir all we have is this pack of 2,467 water bottles"

   I have Never faked a Sarcasm in my Life!

   *BREAKING** NASA CONFIRMS THAT PLUTO HAS A TINY VENUS..

   You know you're in the wrong part of Montana when you get up in the morning and go to the motel lobby and the television is tuned to MSNBC

   So how in heavens name with all the available utinsels out there to eat rice with did two round sticks win?

   I like surprises. Not the 'finger in my ass without permission' kind, but cake is always nice.

   Honestly, all I want is a girl who doesn't have twerk videos on her FB page.

   The opening sequence in The Lion King, but me lifting my first beer after work.

   If I love you only for your looks rather than for your soul, then you better be worried because I will dump your ass like yesterday’s mashed potatoes the next chance I get to hook up with someone cuter than you.

   Dr says my cholesterol count is so high that... I can't even say "cheese" when I get my picture taken.

   not every flower can say love, but a rose does. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus does. Not every retard can read... but look at you go!/€

   I love living in a small town where everyone is so friendly, unless you are from a differnt town or have a differing opinion

   I am not as worried about growing old as I am foundering myself on these Flathead Cherries

   aac Newton had an apple before they were cool

   'Don't worry. I'll hold all your stuff. You just worry about making friends' - Fanny Packs

   "America finally found solution to avoid population growth thru same sex 👬marriages" LMAO👭

   Dr says my cholesterol count is so high that... I can't even say "cheese" when I get my picture taken.