Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *email from Domino's .....You haven't ordered pizza in 2 days... Is everything all right?

   After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?

   Besides watermelon, there should be airmelon, firemelon, and earthmelon.... The four elemelons.

   UGGS, The winter equivalent of Crocks. You approach me with Uggs, I'll assume you're a mental patient.

   The difference between you and me: You call the shots. And I drink them.

   Not now kids. I'm managing my online empire.

   On her knees with a nice scalp of hair is how I like seeing your girlfriend while you're away at work.

   If Bruce Jenner can win woman of the year, I see no reason why Sarah Jessica Parker can't win the Kentucky Derby.

   Cluelessness in dogs is cute but not so much in human beings.

   There is no such thing as 'American English'. There is English and there are mistakes.

   Be right with you, I'm not quite through disappointing this person yet.

   (An news article comment) "I'm going to go online and complain about this" watch the replies

   White privilege is how Amy Winehouse was considered a misunderstood soul and Whitney Houston was considered a crackhead.

   I wonder if prostitutes from India tells their coustomers "Thank you cum again"?

   I love my women like I love my whisky: twenty years old and mixed up with coke.

   It only takes a second to show someone how you feel about them. The police call it "Indecent Exposure" but whatever.....

   No matter how much lice shampoo I use it doesn't provide the sheen or volume that I get when I wash my lice with regular shampoo.

   If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary

   I'm someones reason to drink

   Last time there was this much crap over a cup there were two girls involved