Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever watch the tv show 2 broke girls and get jealous of their bank account

   I have googled "does my dog really love me" more than twice

   Soooooo my Black friend just got mad at me, cause I called him a slave. Seriously, I was just yanking his chain!!

   In the movie "No Escape". The whites are saved by the Vietnamese. Karma beeyach

   Look out Taylor Swift, I'm going to produce my first musical soundtrack. Music for cats, my first song will be the sound of a can opener. I already see it going gold!

   Ok let me get this straight.....bacon is junk food and causes cancer. I do declare the Pigs have watched to many Chik-fil-a commercials and have concocted a diversion. What do you all think? Sounds suspicious? O.o nice play piggy nice play!

   "Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."

   Just answer my question: Is it worth putting pants on for?

   Missed connection: You were at the gym. I wasn't.

   Watching people breathe gives me motion sickness.

   Sober me:"I'll have a salad, please." Drunk me:"I need 3 cheeseburgers, 4 orders of fries, 75 chicken nuggets and 82 sides of ranch."

   I never imagined adulting would involve so much crying while eating ice cream.

   I’m “Blockbuster and relax” years old…

   If you love someone set them free. Then lock the door so they cant get back in.

   Before coffee: I hate everyone. After coffee: I have so much energy to hate everyone.

   Looking for originality her e is like looking for a virgin in a wh0rehouse.

   No one calls you promiscuous because you have more than one beer

   Religion is the most vile ailment of human evolution (or rather, devolution) in existence

   My girlfriend has a gorgeous Duck butt, BUT every time I try and stick it in the wrong hole it screams AFLAC

   Loyal chicks are crazy, annoying, jealous, psycho & obsessive. But they make the best girlfriends, so y'all gotta deal with it.