Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm voting for Donald Trump just for the SNL jokes

   Nothing says "I'm stubborn" like owning a BlackBerry in 2015

   And BTW Susan,,, When I misplace something and you say "where did you have it last".... I feel like you don't know what misplace means.

   So I made up a new word: Ask-hole; Someone who constantly asks for your advise then does the exact opposite of what you told them.

   Imagine being an adult who owns a stick that holds your phone just so you can be able to take photographs of your face.

   Waze "Beep Beep" is the new Facebook "Poke"

   If smoking weed destroys your short term memory, then what does smoking weed do?

   Soon it'll be illegal for Americans to have a Confederate flag on the back of their pick-ups. Which will make it harder for aliens to know who to abduct.

   We will spend over 700 million dollars to take pictures of another planet when we have Veterans on our own Planet not getting the care that they deserve. This is a MESSED UP WORLD !!!

   Instead of getting periods, can girls just get a text once a month from mother nature saying "You're not pregnant, have a nice day!"

   My therapist said I should tap more into my creative side, so I just made a hash pipe using a Kiwi and a ball point pen.

   Follow your dream. Unless... it's a person. They'd call it stalking.

   I'm keeping up with the Kardashians ..... my dad I s gone too

   If by handyman you mean someone with a nice collection of wrenches that came with unassembled furniture then yes, I'm a handyman...

   The Grapes of Wrath is my favorite book title talking about a Woman drinking wine and angrily planning on burning your house to the ground.

   I'm "All the kids were free-range kids" years old.

   I hate not seeing someone for awhile and they tell you all the things they post in Facebook.

   Im acraid that I nade a maitake turning off autocorrd t

   Episode I of Star Wars is the best of the entire franchise and Jar Jar Binks is probably the greatest character to come from all 6 films

   When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans.".. All I hear is that there's a bear out that knows how to use matches