Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Newest Facebook Relationship Status: Pre-divorce

   Today has been a very stressful day. So I'm pouring vodka over my salad instead of dressing because I'm trying to be healthy.

   You know who else says I'M FINE when they are clear not fine? Satan

   Guys try too hard to sound intelligent on Facebook to impress a chick who's sleeping with a dude who can't even read

   hospital is a place where they'll wake you up from sleep to give you a sleeping pill.

   My 6 year old asked me what it was like to be married so I ignored him for a week and then yelled at him for something he did when he was 3.

   Just did a Google search for Gary Oldman.... for the love of God, don't forget the 'R".

   So aparently I've been doing this "coffee" thing all wrong. It wakes you up way faster if you have your 6 year old knock it over into your lap.

   My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed party, so I invited all of her friends over and made them clean the house.

   Walk into a flower shop and ask to see their selction of chlamydias. That never gets old.

   "If only there were a free online encyclopedia to answer that for you" ~ Me, way more times a day that I would like.

   "Ummmmm...... " ~ The first cow ever milked

   So if Bruce/Catline Jenner goes missing, will they put the picture on a carton of Half & Half?

   I never heard of Lindsey Graham... Who is she?

   Trump For President! MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!!!

   I tried to help a friend get a job but his email is p@ssyeater203. @.....

   either my mirror is WAY OFF, or I really do look like EVERY "before" picture ever.

   Sometimes, I just want to leave everything behind and get hopelessly lost.... *Goes to Ikea.

   The Burger King mascot, and the KFC mascot walk into a bar.... Everyone leaves because they're so creeped out.

   As if people didn't have enough reasons to panic when their doorbell rang... Now we have to worry that it's Ryan Seacrest.