Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So Donald duck never wore pants, but when he gets out of the shower he puts a towel around his waist.....what's up with that?

   Thank you for pointing out that today is the first day of the rest of my life. I thought it was yesterday.

   And then her mood ring just...exploded

   Be the reason she gets that 8th cat.

   Hold on.. Lemme find a pic of me with my clothes on.

   baby your a$$ is fine but stop bringing your donkey to the club.

   Human beings can be such a$$holes to each other.

   It's not in the way you look or the things that you say that you'll do.....Hold the line, love isn't always on time,

   Last night I turned wine into vomit. Your move, Jesus.

   I have an eating disorder. It called not starving to death. . .

   I like sleeping because it's like being dead , without the commitment...

   If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.

   I checked with my doctor, and beer is right for me.

   * changes bedsheets, 14 socks fall out * Hmmm... * apologizes to the dryer *

   A 'Baby On Board' sign, but for your whiny boyfriend.

   I shot off a flare to get rescued from a bad date, and now everyone in this restaurant is mad at me.

   If getting ignored in real life is not enough, try twitter.

   At what age do you get to start falling asleep in every chair you sit in?

   You changed your profile picture and I changed my mind.

   If anybody out there is in quarantine right now, can I come over?