Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you start a sentence with ''i'm not a racist/sexist/homophobe/etc''... there is a 99.99999% chance that you are.

   The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.

   Everytime a women Posts a status a mans breakfast,lunch,or dinner is late.

   I guess all the sinners have been saved, the homeless housed and the hungry fed so now we can focus on protesting the new Starbucks cup!

   If we were going to give this planet an enema, we would stick the hole right here in the United States.

   I'm glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.

   at this point in our culture I'm very surprised there aren't people with nut allergies boycotting the peanuts movie

   Just ask Tommy. Hilfiger it out.

   If you're giving me directions, please don't confuse me by using words like north, south, east or west.

   I had a friend who started saying "anyhoo," so I had to distance myself.

   Women are supposed to be beautiful and hard to catch, like butterflies. But most of ya'll are like mosquitoes, annoying and easy to smash.

   I'm all for going out to a social gathering but I draw a line at someone starting a conversation with me

   So Donald duck never wore pants, but when he gets out of the shower he puts a towel around his waist.....what's up with that?

   Thank you for pointing out that today is the first day of the rest of my life. I thought it was yesterday.

   And then her mood ring just...exploded

   Be the reason she gets that 8th cat.

   Hold on.. Lemme find a pic of me with my clothes on.

   baby your a$$ is fine but stop bringing your donkey to the club.

   Human beings can be such a$$holes to each other.

   It's not in the way you look or the things that you say that you'll do.....Hold the line, love isn't always on time,