Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook allows me to reconnect with my old musician friends. I'm surprised at how many of them wound up living the American dream. They married women with steady incomes.

   Never mess with someone who has access to your toothbrush.

   Finally something positive about Charlie Sheen...

   I changed my FB profile pic for the France flag. Terrorism defeated.

   15 km run 50 laps of the pool yoga on the beach fresh fruit salad all before 6:30am is what fit healthy people like to do Me : I'm just waiting for the all you can eat buffet breakfast to consume copious amounts of bacon.... ** Your body is a temple **

   I do not know what "high fives" are but I've become more and more proficient at blocking these overhead strikes you're trying to hit me with

   Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?

   Nothing says clinically insane quite like having Multiple Facebook Accounts.

   So you can catch HIV from being in Two and a Half Men

   Finding out Charlie Sheen tested positive for HIV is like finding out Bob Marley tested positive for marijuana.

   Hey NASA guys... Wanna be a hero? Take one of your super telescopes and turn it on Syria ...If you can find water on Mars,. we should be able to find low brained jerks anywhere...

   If there were only some way I could change my profile pic here on Facebook with minimal effort on my part and a simple click of a button that shows I support a good cause.....Someone needs to get on this.

   What's Obama's secret plan towards getting rid of ISIS in the middle East? .... Bringing them here.

   Well apparently its not Tiger Blood that Charlie Sheen has running through his veins.

   I dropped out of college after my sophomore year so I get it half marathon runners.

   Well apparently the Tiger Blood that Charlie Sheen has running through his vains came from the same hooker that Magic Johnson was boning.

   My buddy told me he was having sex with twins... I asked how do you tell them apart? He said, "Her brother has a mustache"

   I'm creative. *creates problems*

   Went grocery shopping hungry. Left with 3 cases of beer and a bag of pretzels.

   [being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family