Funny Status Messages
Search Messages:
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don't want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting. 
Mothers: Please don't tell your little girls "He's only mean because he likes you" and then wonder why they grow up and marry A-holes.
65% of parenting is figuring out what the heck your kid is pointing at and then acknowledging it before he melts down.
If one of Santa's helpers takes a picture of himself with his cell phone, is it called an "elfie"?
When I was a kid my family was so poor that if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have and ANYTHING to play with.
So I already have ADHD but I'm thinking on upgrading to ADHD 4K - it will be even more clear that I'm not paying attention to stuff
Don't waste my time. That's my job.
Anyone else see the ISIL talking about ISIL
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…
The IBS drug commercial that mentions "urgent diarrhea" implies there's also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I've never had?.... IDK
You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
When I was a kid, We were so poor the floor wasn't even lava,,, it was just kinda warm
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa's lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
OMG .... this is the Last Time I invite Frosty the Snowman to one of my Parties ............. all he has done all Night is Mess with the Damn Thermostat ...... who does that?!
I'm starting to doubt that all of the people in this singing group are called Carol.
Don't forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Hey, parents of an ONLY child considering having one more,, know that I just split an M&M in half........ An M&M...... in HALF
Different set of tracks. Same old train wreck.
pulled my groin playing reindeer games! 