Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If 'faith' was based on evidence then it would be called 'knowledge'. It isn't because it isn't.

   I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays

   I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.

   Was JFK killed by a lone gunman or was there a conspiracy? Compelling new evidence proves beyond doubt that it makes no difference at all. He's still dead.

   Why are we supposed to give special treatment to Black Friday, i'm just gonna come out and say it #ALLFRIDAYSMATTER

   Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.

   Seriously,,, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “Dude, you’re at Burger King.”

   FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

   LIFE HACK: Just eat your burrito over a tortilla,,, anything that falls out, will simply start building your next burrito

   I wonder if Caitlyn Jenner dared to go as Bruce Jenner for Halloween.

   'm trying to learn to be a Magician.. But I have a question. Is it pulling a rabbit out of a hat or a hat out of the rabbit ?

   When a woman says, do what you want,under any circumstance do not do what you want

   Seen a pregnant woman with 4 kids just letting them run wild in Walmart. She said "Can you believe my baby is 5 days past due?"...I said "Yeah, he was probably warned by your other kids."......And that's when the fight started....

   I don't need a safe word, but you will.

   The biggest problem I see with Adele's relationship in her new song is that she needs to stop calling and start texting instead.

   California has the highest rate of Depression and Adultery. It's a sad state of affairs.

   Did you know the Boeing 767 is made up of 3.1 million parts from 800 manufacturers who were the lowest bidder. Anyways...have safe flights over the Thanksgiving holiday 

   Your Fortune Cookie for Today: A long-forgotten loved one will soon come back into your life. Buy the negatives at any price.

   What is it that I want out of life? An apology would be a good start.

   I didn't sign up for the 401K at work. There is no way I can run that far in the shape I'm in.