Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No one knows you better than your browser.

   Don't roll your eyes at me. We aren't married yet.

   Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.

   BEER BATTERED FISH: Still don't understand how beating it with a can of beer makes it taste any better.

   Im starting to get alarmed at the rate which Facebook keeps bringing up things from my past

   Officer that's a medicinal hooker I swear !

   Drop Dead Gorgeous females... Just because we want to hang out with you, doesn't mean we wanna bang you. It just means we're looking to expand our small circle of friends, and you seem like you would be a worthy candidate. No need to be stuck up.

   'If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

      In honor of it being Friday the 13th, whenever I hear a strange noise, I'm going to investigate it braless, and wearing cute panties.

   a good woman will always forgive you when she's wrong

   "Update the force, Luke"....... *Adobe Wan Kenobi

   Vaping is becoming so popular, I heard Jihadi Johny gave it a try today.. and I'll bet it works so good for him that he'll never smoke another cigarette..

   The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober

   White Privilege is how Willy Nelson got his assets seized for owing $15 million and Al Sharpton visits the White House while owing $19 MIllion... OH WAIT!

   Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?

   There are too many functionally illiterate people in the world.

   You can't fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight destiny then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too.

   Gf: are you crying right now? Me: *hides Adele's new album* what? hell no. Real men don't cry babe.

   I thought my life was miserable until I saw yours.

   My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.