Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wish that the media was more interested in Hillary's emails than Tom Brady's deflated balls

   When you're working out in 108 degree heat and have to pull up your soggy underwear after going #2 FML

   I bet the guy that named the fireplace also named the hot air balloon.

   My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that's my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.

   Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy the 45 minutes of Kenny Rogers greatest hits, and we'll be right with you.

   Don't worry Brady, Arizona just took the spot light off you with the worst decision in NFL history

   Anyone know where the closest government funded fetal part auction is?

   My dentist saw The Lion King twelve times.

   maybe Tom Brady destroyed his phone because there were pics of Brett farves junk

   My neighbour just overheard me asking "what's your problem?" to a cute little squirrel on my front lawn.

   We shouldn't send our trash into space, that's how you get space raccoons

   ALEX TREBEK- This is the first man to climb Mount Everest... NORTH KOREAN GUY- Who is Kim Jong-il ... ALEX TREBEK- Stop saying that

   Now patiently waiting for El Chapo from Mexico to send threats to hunter Dr Palmer... Maybe he's out of Data Minutes.

   You seem like a nice person, are you lost?

   We should make it so Congressmen are no longer elected. Then the Donald could create a reality show like the Apprentice, which would shown and sponsored on television, and make them all have to justify keeping their jobs. If they can't, -- "Your FIRED"

   A Roman man walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean a martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"

   Argon and Neon walked into a bar and ordered drinks. The bartender said, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here." They didn't react.

   A Higgs Boson walks into a church admiring the stained glass. A priest walks up and says," We don't allow your kind of particle in here." The Higgs Boson replies, " But without me, you can't have mass."

   Enjoy your last 24 hours before S̶k̶y̶n̶e̶t̶ Windows 10 ta̶k̶e̶s̶ ̶o̶v̶e̶r̶ is installed.

   I've never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.