Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk... I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

   I drink Gatorade when I'm dehydrated because it replaces lost sodium, potassium, and yellow #5.

   Went to my niece's elementary school field day this week... I won every single event... Every... Single... Event.

   When I'm on my deathbed, I'm definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.

   I'm sorry I dropped your baby when the theme from Friends came on and I had to clap along.

   Sometimes when I'm in the shower I have epiphanies of intellectual brilliance. Other times I just think about chips and dip

   I asked what to bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I'm bringing a wireless router.

   The Wizard of Oz is 70 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no balls, she wouldn't be in Oz. She would be in congress...

   Well on a positive note, Charlie Sheen.

   Well No money November is going well this year

   I think Americans need to find out who makes terrorist passports, apparently those things survive plane crashes and suicide bombs

   Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

   Always choose a proctologist with a good buttside manner.

   Dramas are for women. Rationnals are for men.

   Compliments are for women. Accusations are for men.

   Why the hell don’t liquor stores have Black Friday sales?

   The best part of hooking up with a MILF is leaving in the morning with a juice box and fruit rollups.

   Because only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have

   : I am thankful that they finally discovered that the Tortoise was using Performance Enhacing Drugs in the race with the Hare.

   USA: where you can go to the grocery store with a loaded gun, but where refugees fleeing war are scary for your safety you can shoot them.