Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ever have a large lunch and go up a cup size?

   Went to the gym this morning and was amazed by this one chicks extreme workout . She must of done at least 5- 6 reps of selfies .

   I went to the pub last night, had a shot and saw this really fat chick dancing on the table. I said to her "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so?" I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."

   Facebook Murphy's Law: Profile photo with two women. It's never the attractive one's timeline.

   If a man speaks in the forest and no women hears him, is he still wrong?

   This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.

   You can't fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too

   Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.

   Even if evolution is wrong, and it’s not, magic doesn't win by default. 434 Retweets 190 j'aime

   These pretzels are making me thirsty. Beer!

   If 'faith' was based on evidence then it would be called 'knowledge'. It isn't because it isn't.

   I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays

   I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.

   Was JFK killed by a lone gunman or was there a conspiracy? Compelling new evidence proves beyond doubt that it makes no difference at all. He's still dead.

   Why are we supposed to give special treatment to Black Friday, i'm just gonna come out and say it #ALLFRIDAYSMATTER

   Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.

   Seriously,,, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “Dude, you’re at Burger King.”

   FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

   LIFE HACK: Just eat your burrito over a tortilla,,, anything that falls out, will simply start building your next burrito

   I wonder if Caitlyn Jenner dared to go as Bruce Jenner for Halloween.