Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

   My shower breakdown: 60% getting the water temp right,, 39% coming up with awesome responses to fights with my wife,,, 1% showering

   I feel like there should be more breakfast beers on the market.

   My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.

   A man climbed into a bus and the driver asked"where are you going to" the man replied "to the back seat"

   If money was grown on trees, women would be dating monkeys

   As a man I am so thankful I don't have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.

   I hate the word friendzone! "Especially when I'm out with a woman who tells me that she loves me like a brother!......Unless she's from Alabama or West Kentucky of course.

   pɹɐʍʞɐ sᴉ sᴉɥ┴

   Out on the highway, getting passed by a Prius is the football equivalent of getting tackled by the kicker.

   Not only is there no god, but try getting a plumber on weekends. — Woody Allen

   In mother Russia, Turkey shoots you for Thanksgiving

   What if stupidity was passed on in the womb and it had something to do with the am idiotic fluid.

   Vladimir Putin Is going to have Turkey for Thanksgiving for sure

   I went to Google today.... Are the Obamas going on vacation again?

   Anyone know how I can become an illegal alien? They've got some really good benefits.

   A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.

   When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

   So if tears are just weakness leaving your body, what's diarrhea?

   Adele's new album should come with a coupon for Ben & Jerry's.