Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You want to clone yourself? Now wouldn't that be just like you!

   When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder. They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.

   Would a satisfying sleep be known as a 'snoregasm'?

   I really hurt my back today at the golf course,I fell off of the ball washing machine.

   Every song has a story to tell and to every person that story is different. Even when its the same song except for Sir Mix a Lots Babys Got Back...thay has only one story lol

   "Dad?..." Yes Son?.... "Where do baby horses come from?".... Well, when a mare and a stallion are really in love… "Yes…" …and in a stable relationship…

   If you take a step back and look at the bigger picture,,,, you'll agree it seems to have been photoshopped

   The 3 second rule: Is the time between when you tell me your name,, and when I introduce myself and wonder what you said your name was

   Sorry to break it to you but,,,,, (1) I have high self esteem (2) I don't need your money; and (3) I hate drama....... So.....

   a straight white male walks into a bar. He is chastised because every problem in the world is his fault.

   Believe half of what you see -Fetty Wap

   I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores

   *son walks in on parents* *out of breath* -Daddy & I were just wrestling honey -Ya son, wrestling *dad busts a chair over mom's head*

   I've trained my dog to understand sarcasm.

   Don't ask me for directions I got lost on an elevator once.

   Some people want to wake up rich. Some people want to wake up famous. I just want to wake up and not worry about a damn thing.

   I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now i'm going to a different cafe.

   Which came first? The Pringles can or Tennis ball container?

   Ladies, if you're in competition to get as many friends on your friends list as possible, post naked pictures of yourself. . .

   Ladies, if you're in compitition to get as many friend on your frinds list, post naked pictures of yourself. . .