Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On Dancing With the Tsars last night, Peter and Catherine were great, but Ivan was terrible.

   The Native Americans used every part of the iPhone,,, even the stocks app and game center.

   hates it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party, FREAK!...My dog is getting married

   That's the last time I spend the week listening to INXS seeking relationship advice....totally just got left hanging.

   I hold my wife's hand in the mall. Not because it's romantic but more because it's economical. It keeps her from shopping.

   To be truthful,,, I have never unrolled a sleeping bag and been able to roll it back up any smaller than the size of a garage.

   There's really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn't been invented...

   there a Nobel prize for being extremely mediocre because I would like to nominate myself...

   I had this one night stand a few weeks ago but I wasn't satisfied with the craftsmanship so I returned it and got a bedside table instead...

   I don't like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night...

   How many more short, funny sentences must I post on the internet before I am worthy of human love?

   I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning to exercise. And I was right.

   My wife said that to make our relationship work, we both need to make sacrifices. I've chosen a goat...

   That's so weird. I told her to calm down and it had the exact opposite effect...

   I could talk for hours about how good of a listener I am...

   The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone...

   It's 2015, shouldn't we be calling him Middle Age Rock by now?

   The salesman claimed the shoes were made from alligator, but I knew it was a crock

   I broke my finger today, but on the other hand I'm completely fine

   I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind