Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Starbucks: Sometimes you wanna go where everybody misspells your name.

   -Monday -Tuesday -Wednesday -Thursday -Blink -Monday.

   Secret admirer when you're young. Stalker when you're older.

   I am looking for contributors to the go F#ck yourself foundation I am starting. . .

   I would describe my dancing style as “Oh my god, is he having a seizure?”

   If your girlfriend asks you to role play 'doctors and nurses' in the bedroom, don't diagnose her with down-syndrome. Trust me on this.

   I like my women like I like my turtles,,,,Helpless when they're on their back... Bill Cosby

   26 years later,, and we still haven't touched this

   If you put a rusty penny in a glass of Mountain Dew overnight,,, in the morning Abraham Lincoln will be riding a snowboard.

   [Shark Tank, 1928] Inventor: I call it Sliced Bread... My Great Grandfather: I like to decide my own bread thickness,,, and for that reason I'm out.

   Parents these days are worried about just 2 things:. 1.- What Sons download their 2.- What upload their Daughters.

   Haunted houses would be scarier if they were filled with women that wanted you to guess their age...

   My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...

   I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.

   Two men came to the door asking if I'd found Jesus. I had no idea he was missing and I suddenly got nervous thinking I might be a suspect.

   an Amish Driveby Shooting.................."Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip Clock Clip Clop.........BANG BANG BANG BANG.............Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip Clop"

   Once my kids wake up, my only goal for the rest of the day is getting them back to bed...

   "KiSS HER"~~~Me watching women's boxing.....

   My Shark Week lights are still up from last year.

   I'm not gay but $20 is $20.