Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   still wondering how would you engineer an electrical?

   You know a girl is a keeper if she picks the iron when she's playing Monopoly.

   Maybe if Kim Davis wasn’t so patently awful to gay people she could find someone to help fix her hair.

   FYI: The opposite of Chevy Chase,,,, is Ford Escape.

   I feel kinda like that guy in Nirvana whom nobody really appreciates. Not Kurt Cobain or Dave Grohl, the other one.

   Canadian rockers Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne are separating after 2 years of marriage... which I think is 4.4 after converting from metric...

   “The man who fears losing has already lost.”

   the world is not full of a$$holes but they are strategically placed so you come across several everyday

   Never underestimate the lawyer of a champion

   If the best things in life really are free, why am I still getting charged at the liquor store? I call bull crap..

   If a person has an imaginary friend, it's crazy. If several people have the same imaginary friend, it's religion.

   I asked my cat if I'm passive aggressive and she ignored me. I hope I don't forget to feed her tonight.

   Substitute " My ass" for "This girls" on fire and you're welcome Preparation H for your new ad campaign.

   At work since 6am, awake since 7am.

   According to my Magic Watch you're not wearing any Panties,. Oh You Are Wearing Panties. Well Then It must be running 15 min fast.

   I don't "drink". I expedite my bedtime.

   Be thankful your GPS doesn't get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”

   Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack. Or her multiple affairs while being married. Cons...lol

   Summer is almost over... All you half naked bit$hes gonna have to find a personality soon.

   Retail Stores: "It's September 1st! Time to put out all the Christmas crap...."