Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In this corner, weighing in at 110 pounds and pushing 89 years of age and the recent recipient of a brand new plastic hip, Joseph "Blue" Polaski.

   I don't even think it's possible for a bear to cook porridge.

   It's so frustrating when your hitman doesn't answer the phone after you've made amends with someone

   Has anyone ever noticed that Caitlin Jenner has man hands?

   If $ex is a pain in the a$$ you're doing it wrong, that's not what that hole is for. . .

   While at self check out... "Do I get an employee discount, now?"

   OK...WHO PUT TURBOLAX IN MY COFFEE ? I had Other crap to do today !

   All I want for Cristmas is to go to Walmart and there be no people

   lamophobia is the new Race Card.

   Saying there is a huge azz line at Wal-mart is both ambiguous and redundant.

   * Throws dart... ME: Let's vacation wherever this dart lands... * Dart misses map and lands in kittylitter box... ME: OK,,, Mexico it is then

   Huge spoiler here....... Dave is actually NOT the real father of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore. I know, right?!?!?

   Binary math is as easy as 01 10 11

   Teach your child what's going on in the world by telling them Santa was killed in a drone strike in a no fly zone; or he's being held up in the vetting process.

   That Star Wars movie was BS! No Capt. Kirk! No Spock! No Scotty....Not even the Enterprise...😡

   Just an FYI, whether I know you or not if you're a guy and you send me a friend request and your profile picture is you in a mirror shirtless mmm bye bye.

   What's the shelf life of an Elf on a shelf ?

   The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that in the long run, sex for money usually costs a lot less.

   My Mother in law Joined ISIS this morning.. She leaves tomorrow on a suicide mission.. At least that's what the papers I just signed said ..

   That moment when ya reach down t'ween your legs to pull the handle to slide your car seat forward, but it won't move, so you keep try over and over to only realize that from the outside it probably looks like you're vigorously humping your own forearm