Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1448 of 6384
Everything I know about sex I learned from internet porn. I hope to one day try buffering.
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09-08-2015 00:53 by Gabagoohl
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Don’t trust everything you see. Even vodka can look like water.
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09-08-2015 00:21 by Czovczov
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Every time one of my kids complains that the internet is slow, I feel like I'm not adequately preparing them for the real world...
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09-07-2015 17:12 by eengrms
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Pays bills....... *Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity
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09-07-2015 14:26 by snotty
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Women that watch football are the real MVP.
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09-07-2015 14:09 by snotty
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Omg!! I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
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09-07-2015 14:04
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Who else was scared sh*tless of Unsolved Mysteries when you were little?
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09-07-2015 12:55
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Before I had a kid I thought,,,,, Gosh, I wish I could say "please put your shoes on" 17,000 times every morning.
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09-07-2015 11:24 by snotty
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How many donut holes constitute a serving?... Please say 33. Please say 33..... I mean 34. Please say 34.
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09-07-2015 11:21 by snotty
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Kids, just say no to drugs. Also, just say no if they ask you if daddy does drugs. - Me, if I had kids
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09-06-2015 20:21
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Mammogram sounds like a pet name for a great-grandmother
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09-06-2015 19:15
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What if born on planet earth is being sent to hell from another planet?
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09-06-2015 09:44
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I came, I saw, I got jiggy with it, I'm now discussing my options with a court appointed attorney.
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09-06-2015 08:47 by Czovczov
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Happy labor day to those who actually have to work
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09-06-2015 03:17
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There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
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09-05-2015 17:29 by snotty
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The new white Iphone is so white, that all Siri talks about is Pumpkin Spice Lattes, and it instagrams all of your food automatically.
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09-05-2015 17:07 by snotty
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A recent survey indicates that nobody knows anyone anywhere who has ever participated in a recent survey.
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09-05-2015 16:38 by snotty
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If a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first,, make sure she has coffee, you don't want to get up there and there's no coffee.
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09-05-2015 15:39 by snotty
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Why is it so important that we learn how to write a thesis statement? I can't imagine my future boss saying, "have that thesis on my desk by 5 o'clock or it's your ass!
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09-05-2015 15:33
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Before you marry a person,, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
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09-05-2015 15:32 by snotty
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