Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   to wife: I told you I would fix it soon, there is no need to remind me every six months!!!

   A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

   You make me want to be a better nobody.

   I'm the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.

   If I had a My Little Pony for every time a girl rejected me I'd have the My Little Pony collection I currently have.

   Dating 101: Let me buy you food and grab your booty

   Meanwhile, Woody Allen has married his adopted daughter and still makes movies. DuPont heir Robert Richards rapes his 3 year old and serves no jail time. Roman Polanski raped a 13year old and left the country while on bail yet he STILL receives awards

   Shouldn't you be camping out somewhere waiting for Star Wars?

   Pill Cosby is now suing his victims? What kind of a sick world are we living in now?

   I knew I had nailed it when she said she didn't remember seeing me do my Bill Cosby impersonation.... or anything else that night.

   I farted today and 4 people turned around. I felt like I was on The Voice!

   I can't wait for self driving cars to come out so I can finally say ; Go home car I'm drunk

   I'm a pretty funny guy I'm told, But I went on a date with a woman the other night, she did NOT like by Bill Cosby Impersonation .

   *my finger on her lips* sshhhh, I just told you what I think, don't ruin the moment by saying what you think too.

   Haven't heard much from Clinton lately...she's trying hard to think of something truthful she may have said and trying to build a pathetic campaign around it.

   If a clown farts, does it smell funny?

   The most frustrating thing I've ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

   Just once, I want someone to look at me and say,, “That’s him, He’s the one”...And not follow it with, “Who ate cake out of the garbage”

   Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn't it?

   Crap. Got another Canadian quarter in change. But I’m a clever one; now it’s the Salvation Army’s problem.