Snotty Funny Status Messages

   What's the minimum age a person has to be in order to get arrested for vandalism?............... Please tell me the answer is two,,,,,

   Give me a fish,, & I'll cook you dinner.. Teach me to fish,, & I'll just be sitting there in the boat with you and gettin drunk..

   who do these people at Burger King think they are? Dont they know i'm an Ebay power seller,, and have over 70 friends on Facebook??,,,,FOOLS !!

   If you don't scream "AHH,, IT BURNS!!" when peeing in public,,, then you're no fun.

   I'm pretty sure Adam and Eve loved being the first people,, cuz they didn't have to worry about ghosts

   I begin all my orders at Arby's by saying,,, "Listen, I've got nothing to prove to you."

   If anyone's interested,, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 3 pm on, until I'm removed by security.

   Hey pistachio with the shell welded shut.. I know you've been hurt before, but I just want to love you... Let me in, Baby....

   Never get behind a car with a Phish bumper sticker at the bank drive thru.. They don't have an account & they're about to run out of gas.

   Funds are low this year, so the Chex Party Mix I'm bringing to the office Birthday party is just birdseed and expired high blood pressure pills.

   Hmmm,,, Where exactly is this Black Forest,, that's teeming with hams?

   I will gather my Grandchildren around for one of my bedtime stories. Like todays story about the "Cinco De Mayo",, a riviting yet sad tale of a ship, laden with mayonaise,,, which sinks off the coast of Mexico.(cue background music, Wreck of the Edmund..)

   Hey,,,You knew what you were getting into when you friended me...

   I already want to take a nap tomorrow

   Like my Great Grandmother always used to say,,,, 'Marry someone who will love you for your posts and not your profile banner.'

   You know you've made it,, when your joke makes its way back to you in someone else's Facebook status

   "What did I do?" -- the horse you rode in on.

   Heard the Kardashians referred to as "American Royalty" on the radio today.....Currently in the bathroom taking an "American Royalty"

   "It's not you, it's me" - me, explaining "awesome"

   As a father to 2 sons & a grandfather to 2 grandsons,, I often find myself torn between.. "Don't ever do that again" and " Ahh,Good one!"