Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.

   Parents,, instead of telling your child don't let the bedbugs bite, here's a crazy idea...Maybe buy your kid a new frigging mattress?

   Not sure why Amtraks slogan is not "Travel with your drugs, we won't check""

   Instead of throwing out expired milk,, I just write "with pulp" on it and put it back in the fridge... Easy-peasy

   I always lick my lips when I see kids in public places because they need to realize their are bad people in this world

   I want to have three kids than name them Ctrl, Alt, Delete than if they screw up I can hit them all at once. #ellen

   Last year I asked santa for the sexiest person ever and I woke up in a box

   I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck then go on a high speed chase becuase it will be funny to watch a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck

   To translate Trump at the next debate,, the sign language specialist will just beat up a poor pregnant mexican woman .

   HEY EVERYBODY, did anyone remember to wake up Green Day's Billie Joe Armstrong today? Please tell me someone remembered. Oh man, he's gonna be pissed

   The American Airlines air hostess was so old that I offered her my seat today

   I want my hearse to have 'JUST DIED' written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

   I can't wait until Whole Foods starts selling "Mars Water" for 50 bucks a bottle.

   I'm so old, I remember the internet when it had no commercials. . .

   Whole Foods Cashier: "Would you like to make a donation?"... Me: "No,,, just these 11 items for $109, thanks"

   My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it's ok, it was in my pocket.

   I’ve had the time of my life like ten or eleven times now.

   Hey??!! Somebody get ready to wake that guy from Green day up!!!

   Police officers say anything you say will be taken down and make be used as evidence .. your answer should always be please officer don't hit me again

   My wife wants to speak with you. You're in deep sh*t.