Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why don't you go live in one of those other nations jackass you wouldn't last 10 minutes

   There are some people you'll never see again, but they're never the right ones.

   Not to cause a panic but i'm starting to think we're running out of things to stuff inside pizza crust.

   I don't have a thigh gap because I have this other gap on my face where I put delicious foods and beverages.

   *learns the pole vault Jumps out of the friend-zone*

   Just found a new app that tells you which of your friends are family are racist, it is called facebook.

   This fish is so raw it's starting to swim in my soup.

   This chicken is so uncooked that a skilled vet could still save him

   You have 200 pics of only your face on Facebook? You must be so thin...

   Me: So, what do you do for a living? Her: I flip houses. Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

   If you hold an empty Old Spice bottle to your ear, you can hear your grandpa complaining that someone touched the thermostat.

   Your password must contain 2 capital letters, the pilot script from Friends, Hulk Hogans home phone number and an enlightenment spell

   Some of you ladies really need more practice hiding your crazy, at least until he marries you.

   If I was a secret Agent.. I'd probably tell everyone..

   If you don't drink, smoke or do drugs you may live long enough to be a real burden to loved ones. Please pass the wine.

   lam - where sex with a goat makes sense but eating a pig doesn't.

   Lorena Bobbitt moved to Russia. Her new name is Ivana Kutchacokov.

   I hate when people take my glasses and say "Wow! You really can't see!" I'm like no kidding. I don't take a person's wheelchair and say "Wow! You really can't walk!"

   If FanDuel would just run a few more commercials, I'd consider joining.

   Motivate people to talk about themselves, but not to the extent they punch you.