Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The first guy to discover milk probably did a lot of other weird $h!t too.

   My wife's doctor called and I had to take a message. He said her Pabst Beer came back negative. What the hell is he talking about?

   To all the people who wanted change in 2008-This November time's up

   Why can't all cable and satellite companies put the tv stations on the same damn channel??

   Bill Cosby's lawyer says Cosby is legally blind, that might explain the sweaters & why he can't see his wedding ring.

   I guess the white guy forgot he wasn’t home and behind his keyboard when he called that black judge the N word.

   Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat...now THAT'S bad for you.

   Remember Folks: A day without sunshine is...like, well...night.

   Oh, thats a picture of you when you were "younger"? ALL photos of you were when you were younger. Unless you have a time machine. Which you don't.

   Return to work after vacation with fresh, re-energized hatred for your job.

   "Yo fat man those new suspenders is TIGHT!"~ All my Knickers and my Britches

   OBama: Tears of a clown!

   So if your are religious you are not accountable for anything? The devil made me you do it?

   I was asked which is my favorite of the "X-Men". Apparently "Caitlyn Jenner" was an inappropriate answer.

   lots of confidence, but I still hate you.

   *stands up in meeting... *wipes boss's chin... Sorry, you had some nonsense coming out of your mouth... *wipes hand on pants

   I do so declare that from this day forward fake potatoes shall be known as "imitaters."...Please adjust your records and recipes accordingly...Thank you

   "Use the forceps, Luke!" - Obi Gyn Kenobi

   Life gave me onions........ P.S. Onionade sucks.

   ... and then the Devil said,,, "Shorten all the charging wires to no more than a 3 foot length."