Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In hell, you're served sugar free jam on burnt gluten free toast with decaf coffee.

   My middle finger wants to talk to you.

   I think we should hear other voices.

   If you win the $1.3 billion powerball, remember the little people. No seriously, remember the midgets, they probably couldn't reach the counter to order tickets

   Boss makes a Dollar, I make a dime, that's why I poop on company time

   Ann Coulter was just diagnosed with testicular cancer.

   Well Christmas tree if finally out of the house, And back on my rear view mirror .

   It may be the Japanese wine talking but...私は酔ってる

   Ladies, if you are a seven or higher, every male friend, co-worker, neighbor and casual acquaintance has imagined themselves banging you. Hope you are comfortable with that.

   When they captured el Chapo, I think they also got rid of El Niño, because it is frickin cold here

   Life is like a camera. Just focus on what's important. Capture the good times. Develop from the negatives. And if things don't turn out, just take another shot.

   I see that there are now Toy Australian Shepard dogs. What are they going to do herd guinea pigs?

   I actually never like to touch baby carrots,,, because I'm afraid the mother will reject them.

   Hoping that Steve Harvey isn't the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!

   Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your Mother

   A daughter asked her mother how to spell pinus, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.

   When a guy says he's looking for a "Country Girl" that doesn't mean he's looking for a girl that's been plowed more times then the family farm. 🐽🐮

   There are so many scams on the Internet now these days, but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them. 👌🏻

   Remember Snooki? Yeah me neither, it's like she disappeared! That's because she went back to her real name, Danny Devito... 😂

   To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas gift.... 📕📗 They are due back at the library today. 😂😂😂