Funny Status Messages
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In a decade the economy will be like 23 trillionaires and everyone else will be taking turns giving Uber rides. 
Did you know the bathroom is where 99% of Instagram lurking is done...
Sometimes I fantasize about being a Golden Retriever in an upper class family.
It takes me a while to warm up to new people but I will kiss a dog I just met on the mouth.
"Growing Up With Siblings" means taking the TV remote into the kitchen while you get some food so that they don't change the channel.
Life as a college student at the bar....give me your biggest, strongest, cheapest drink.
Nothing says, "My Balls are kept in a jar inside her purse", quite like a Joint Facebook Account.
Just heard a guy at the park tell his dog "NO!!!" and then more in a whisper, " We already talked about this!!!"
"They're like, 12" -- The correct way to refer to anyone younger than you.
Facebook needs a "I'll Drink To That" button.
So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her.
In the shower: 2% washing, 8% singing, 90% winning fake arguments.
Good to see Brian Williams is back on TV, he is now competing with late night infomercials.
Bernie Sanders talks a lot of about free government programs, he's just wondering who will pay for his medications?
If Bernie Sanders grows a beard, he'll be a wizard....
Sad to say all your friends "Friends Day" videos are now in the 99 cent bin at Walmart.
If you get an email titled "Nude Pictures of Sarah Palin" do not open it. It is a virus. If you get an email titled "Nude Pictures of Hillary Clinton" do not open it. It is nude pictures of Hillary Clinton.
Do people who have wind chimes know that not having wind chimes is also an option
YEAR IN REVIEW: January February March April May June July August September October November December...... *nice we did it, congrats folks 