Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Old expression modification Notice . : .. In addition to netflix and chill, doing Coffee and Cream ;) Has been approved That is all .
←Rate | 01-13-2016 18:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
←Rate | 01-13-2016 15:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. All I use it for is to signal my dealer so he doesn't drive past
←Rate | 01-13-2016 14:52 by Phreak Comments (0)  


   messageicon I guess Paul Ryan won't be cheering for my Relay for Life team...
←Rate | 01-13-2016 14:30 by Scott Eff Cee Comments (0)  


   messageicon There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
←Rate | 01-13-2016 10:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I saw my Arab neighbor shaking a rug off his back porch. I called him out "Whatsamatter, Ahmed? It won't start?"
←Rate | 01-13-2016 10:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think for next season's "Survivor" they should take 16 congressmen and make them get jobs in the private sector.
←Rate | 01-13-2016 10:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Relationship Status: Hoping my street get plowed tomorrow.
←Rate | 01-13-2016 00:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
←Rate | 01-12-2016 22:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...
←Rate | 01-12-2016 19:43 by SlurpeeGuy Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Chive: Stop me if you've heard this already but your new app suc...
←Rate | 01-12-2016 15:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’m losing my hair and I have to pee every 30 minutes but I still get pimples and can jizz in 1 minute. I’ve turned into a 40 year old teenager!!
←Rate | 01-12-2016 15:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon All these smiling Alabama football fans you would think Today is Toothless people appreciation day in Alabama
←Rate | 01-12-2016 12:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Bill always chose someone over Hillary, so should you...
←Rate | 01-12-2016 11:57 by T-Dub Comments (0)  


   messageicon I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
←Rate | 01-12-2016 10:39 Comments (1)  


   messageicon What's the difference between a woman's argument and a knife? A knife has a point.
←Rate | 01-12-2016 07:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If women are never wrong, what happens if two women have a different opinion?
←Rate | 01-12-2016 07:05 Comments (1)  


   messageicon What if like 30 years from now they make a movie about Leonardo DiCaprio and how he never won an Oscar, and the guy who plays Leonardo wins an Oscar for his performance?
←Rate | 01-12-2016 06:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon it just me, or does el Chapo sound like a low budget Mexican Restauraunt? Where ya wanna go eat? I duuno.. Let's try el Chapo's
←Rate | 01-12-2016 03:56 by timboss Comments (0)  


   messageicon Rest In Peace Mick Jagger - Steve Harvey
←Rate | 01-12-2016 01:55 Comments (1)  




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