Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Undercover Boss: Where you tell the world your boss is a moron, then he buys you a house.

   Old expression modification Notice . : .. In addition to netflix and chill, doing Coffee and Cream ;) Has been approved That is all .

   I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.

   I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. All I use it for is to signal my dealer so he doesn't drive past

   I guess Paul Ryan won't be cheering for my Relay for Life team...

   There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.

   I saw my Arab neighbor shaking a rug off his back porch. I called him out "Whatsamatter, Ahmed? It won't start?"

   I think for next season's "Survivor" they should take 16 congressmen and make them get jobs in the private sector.

   Relationship Status: Hoping my street get plowed tomorrow.

   Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."

   I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...

   Dear Chive: Stop me if you've heard this already but your new app suc...

   I’m losing my hair and I have to pee every 30 minutes but I still get pimples and can jizz in 1 minute. I’ve turned into a 40 year old teenager!!

   All these smiling Alabama football fans you would think Today is Toothless people appreciation day in Alabama

   Bill always chose someone over Hillary, so should you...

   I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

   What's the difference between a woman's argument and a knife? A knife has a point.

   If women are never wrong, what happens if two women have a different opinion?

   What if like 30 years from now they make a movie about Leonardo DiCaprio and how he never won an Oscar, and the guy who plays Leonardo wins an Oscar for his performance?

   it just me, or does el Chapo sound like a low budget Mexican Restauraunt? Where ya wanna go eat? I duuno.. Let's try el Chapo's