Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1429 of 6384
I will still be nude when reading Playboy.
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10-13-2015 15:05 by Nipper
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I call bravo Sierra on distance makes the heart grow fonder. Distance makes you have to do dishes and cook and stuff.
An SEC football season without Steve Spurrier? Isn't that sort of like a Prom without acne?
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10-13-2015 09:43 by SEC
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Playboy doesn't show nudes. MTV doesn't play music videos. The Learning Channel makes you dumber. What happened to the world
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10-13-2015 08:59 by JC
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Playboy is dropping nudes because they're too easy to find on the internet? I had no idea. I only read the internet for the articles.
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10-13-2015 08:57 by JC
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[finally gets the car seat installed correctly] Me: Where’s the baby? Wife: In college.
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10-13-2015 03:21
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Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser. And vodka makes you not remember any of that crap.
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10-12-2015 22:01
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Mike Vick has had better days in Leavenworth
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10-12-2015 21:53 by migasjoe
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Today is . . . the tomorrow you thought about yesterday you lazy fcuk
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10-12-2015 20:05
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Taco Bell should have pink tacos for breast cancer awareness month. Who doesn't like eating pink tacos?
Saving Private Ryan, Interstellar, and The Martian: America has spent too much money retrieving Matt Damon. It is time to stop.
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10-12-2015 16:51
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Just asked my neighbors if they wanted to go drinking and accidentally did the blowjob hand signal.
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10-12-2015 15:13
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Today at crossfit, we had to spoon wild mountain lions.
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10-12-2015 15:06 by Baddie
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Where do people go when they unfriend you???... Is it a better place???
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10-12-2015 15:04
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If you don’t use steroids in the state of Florida, how the hell are you supposed to fight off the escaped pythons?
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10-12-2015 14:47 by Baddie
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Whenever I'm sad, I remember that my cats most likely think I’m out hunting for them all day, and then I feel like a badass again
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10-12-2015 14:34 by Czovczov
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With enough warning, I can be very spontaneous.
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10-12-2015 10:59
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The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
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10-12-2015 10:27
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The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
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10-12-2015 09:44 by flinnie
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Every musical should have a minor character that's aware of all the music and dancing and is visibly terrified.