Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1429 of 6446

Old expression modification Notice . : .. In addition to netflix and chill, doing Coffee and Cream ;) Has been approved That is all .
←Rate |
01-13-2016 18:59
Comments (0)

I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
←Rate |
01-13-2016 15:41
Comments (0)

I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. All I use it for is to signal my dealer so he doesn't drive past
←Rate |
01-13-2016 14:52 by Phreak
Comments (0)

I guess Paul Ryan won't be cheering for my Relay for Life team...

There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
←Rate |
01-13-2016 10:51
Comments (0)

I saw my Arab neighbor shaking a rug off his back porch. I called him out "Whatsamatter, Ahmed? It won't start?"
←Rate |
01-13-2016 10:47
Comments (0)

I think for next season's "Survivor" they should take 16 congressmen and make them get jobs in the private sector.
←Rate |
01-13-2016 10:44
Comments (0)

Relationship Status: Hoping my street get plowed tomorrow.
←Rate |
01-13-2016 00:57
Comments (0)

Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
←Rate |
01-12-2016 22:51
Comments (0)

I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...

Dear Chive: Stop me if you've heard this already but your new app suc...
←Rate |
01-12-2016 15:49
Comments (0)

I’m losing my hair and I have to pee every 30 minutes but I still get pimples and can jizz in 1 minute. I’ve turned into a 40 year old teenager!!
←Rate |
01-12-2016 15:15
Comments (0)

All these smiling Alabama football fans you would think Today is Toothless people appreciation day in Alabama
←Rate |
01-12-2016 12:48
Comments (0)

Bill always chose someone over Hillary, so should you...
←Rate |
01-12-2016 11:57 by T-Dub
Comments (0)

I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
←Rate |
01-12-2016 10:39
Comments (1)

What's the difference between a woman's argument and a knife? A knife has a point.
←Rate |
01-12-2016 07:37
Comments (0)

If women are never wrong, what happens if two women have a different opinion?
←Rate |
01-12-2016 07:05
Comments (1)

What if like 30 years from now they make a movie about Leonardo DiCaprio and how he never won an Oscar, and the guy who plays Leonardo wins an Oscar for his performance?
←Rate |
01-12-2016 06:29
Comments (0)

it just me, or does el Chapo sound like a low budget Mexican Restauraunt? Where ya wanna go eat? I duuno.. Let's try el Chapo's
←Rate |
01-12-2016 03:56 by timboss
Comments (0)

Rest In Peace Mick Jagger - Steve Harvey
←Rate |
01-12-2016 01:55
Comments (1)