Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh so you are tired of someone asking for their money back that you borrowed from them? How annoying of them. Here is a thought....PAY THEM BACK! They won't ask anymore.

   Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."

   Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

   "For birthdays, someone will blow air and spit on candles and a cake. Then—hear me out—people will eat it." -- the guy that invented birthday parties

   Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.

   I miss the days when I was smarter than my parents.

   You wanted Obama's birth certificate...well we want Sarah Palin's High School diploma

   Eating beans and an egg salad sandwich...this silent treatment from the wife should end in roughly 2 hours.

   I can't believe America has become Fascist Country.

   Whoppi threatening to leave the US if Trump is elected is like an endorsement for Trump

   I don't need to post political things anymore. Trump has already won the election.

   Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just loosen all the jar lids and keep the silence going.

   "No thanks. I'm a Vegan." Is always a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby.

   Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.

   Why do people say "Tuna Fish" but they don't say "Beef Mammal" or "Chicken Bird?"

   Oscars so white, Xbox Live wont let them be a player BLACK ops

   Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just tighten all the jar lids. That way she'll HAVE to talk to you.

   SpellCheck has saved MILLIONS of drunk morons, and has been the scapegoat for stupid people since it's invention.

   Well.. I was going to vote for a candidate but I saw a meme on Facebook,,, so now I'm going to vote for another candidate

   Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.