Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look on the bright side, Hillary. Nelson Mandela did get elected president until after he'd served 27 years in prison.

   Anyone planning on watching Lucifer tonight? Just to clarify, I'm not talking about the new TV show on Fox, I'm talking about Hillary Clinton at the Democratic Town Hall debate on CNN.

   I used to be f#cking stupid, but her and I broke up about 10 years ago. . .

   FYI,,, Bobcat is just short for Robertcat. ...*Science.

   My birthstone is just a frozen pizza.

   I'll bet the same guy that named the fireplace named Newfoundland.

   The definition of Vegetarian is an Indian word for bad hunter. . .

   wait till they get a load of me.. or is that from me.. I can never get that line right

   You can stick your marshmallow world and stick it up your marshmallow ass.

   I Swear This Is The Last Time I Watch Groundhog Day

   I've dated a vegan and a vegetarian, and please believe me, they do put meat in their mouth...

   The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don't know who to listen to anymore

   Where I come from, Decaffeinated means a cow who just had a calf.

   I tried cumming in the air tonight, and all I did was make a huge mess, F**k you Phil Colins !

   Somtimes I get the feeling that maybe the love of my life got stuck up in a Condom

   i know have a epipen, my friend gave it to me as he was dying... It seemed very important to him that I have it

   Maybe Jada Pinkett Smith should receive an Oscar for acting like an idiot.

   Where are the socialist snowplows at?

   I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we have live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.

   being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!