Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the "she" in her story is.

   Family with benefits. - Rednecks.

   People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

   I love having marital relations. My wife knows what I like and I know what she won't do!

   God saying to Eve "You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it" was prove that even he makes mistakes #talkingtoawoman"

   whenever I see a can of Glen 20, I think to myself "do you reckon that's Ben 10's older brother?" Then I laugh. And wonder how other people put up with me.

   I am tired of thinking for myself, bring on the socialism.

   My nakedness is irrelevant to you at this point

   I am tired of living in the Divided States Of America

   Just overheard this damn near 65 year old lady say, "I'm still single cuz I ain't met the right man yet." Thought to myself, "Oh, you gonna meet him soon. His name is Jesus..."

   They can quit giving me phone books. Just saying

   I need to stop lying to myself !!! This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween !

   Recommended doses aren't the boss of me.

   And then her mood ring just...exploded.

   We had the kind of love that lasted till our phones died.

   She was full-figured, and I loved her in spite of the extra duct tape I had to buy.

   The genie that I rubbed to get my three wishes was not a genie at all. Anyone got bail money?

   Old world problems were to get crumbs from the computer keyboard... new world problems removing the crumbs that fall between the glass plate and smartphone case

   Where are all the Cubs fans now?

   I am so happy one of my favourite things is about to start, the ALC series. Another one of my favourite things begins with ALC, ALCOHOL!