Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Academy has eight best picture nominations this year. How do they expect me to watch them all before Oscar night? I haven't even seen Star Wars eight times yet!

   [burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

   The best way to drink decaf coffee is to throw it at somebody.

   Sometimes I take things too far. I know this.

   This isn't a ' dating ' site. It's a ' gave up on dating ' site.

   Relationship status - Is anybody looking for US citizenship?

   There are never any fat weather girls on TV. I wish there were. I don't trust all these skinny bit@@es.

   I froze my balls off this morning. It is so cold I am not even going to go find them. They can stay there until the snow melts.

   I own seven pairs of khaki pants in case anyone wants to start a gang.

   my cats gonna s*it when he see's I got him a new litter box for his B-day..

   I just picked out a Valentines Card from the Bill Cosby collection. It came with a roofy, two Advil for the day after, and a do-it-yourself police report........

   I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.

   So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response

   Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I'm really fun to talk to.

   Ha!.. More like social needia, if you ask me....... ....Please go ahead and ask me

   I've decided not to workout today. Instead I'll be working on my ABS of beer.

   GoPro’s stock dropped 23.34 percent to 10.87 Wednesday afternoon after the company announced its Q4 was worse than expected. The good new is the CEO caught this eloquent downward spiral on video for all stock holders to enjoy.........

   I THINK 50 shades of grey is our weather forecast!!!!

   Let me stop you right there. You just made me think of a status.

   My boyfriend just brought me flowers.. By boyfriend, I mean dog. By flowers, I mean tennis ball.