Funny Status Messages

   Everyday, thousands of innocent vegetables are killed....by vegetarians. Help end the violence now.

   Everyday. thousands of innocent vegetables are killed....by vegetarians. Help end the violence now.

   Cute Things To Call Your Girlfriend/Boyfriend On Valentines Day: 1. Sugar. 2. Honey. 3. Flour. 4. Egg. 5. 1/2lb Butter. 6. Stir. 7. Pour Into Pan. 8. Preheat To 350 Degrees.

   I'd like to give a shout out to Amy Winehouse, who's been drug free for nearly 5 years.

   Valentines: Pros and Cons for dating someone.... Con: I'm an a$$hole. Pro: I'm Your a$$hole.

   Just saw two construction workers sitting together and laughing. I know what they're building: Friendship.

   I bet it's super hard being a single Mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.

   Just in case you are having a bad day, let's think about a fat cat that's stuck in the sink.

   You Only Live Once: So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, desperately seeking validation from strangers. After all it's 2016!!!

   Just in case you are having a bad day, let's think about a fat cat that's in the sink.

   Current Relationship Status: Sleeping diagonally across the Queen size bed.

   Let's see if there are an emotionally stable women tonight on The Bachelor. Nope, not tonight.

   Monday mornings: I am learning to trust the journey, wait a sec...where is my freaking coffee?!?!

   This is 2016. How come I can't email someone a fart when I feel like it?

   Fact: If the human population held hands across the equator, a significant portion of them would drown.

   I don't have a FitBit but every now and then I throw a $h!t-Fit.

   I don't need to drink to be a dork, I do it very well sober.

   Wait...you mean I can make phone calls with this selfie machine?

   You seem too lazy to file a restraining order. I like you.

   I don't have a FitBit. I'm pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don't need like bells and alarms and stuff.