Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't need to post political things anymore. Trump has already won the election.

   Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just loosen all the jar lids and keep the silence going.

   "No thanks. I'm a Vegan." Is always a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby.

   Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.

   Why do people say "Tuna Fish" but they don't say "Beef Mammal" or "Chicken Bird?"

   Oscars so white, Xbox Live wont let them be a player BLACK ops

   Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just tighten all the jar lids. That way she'll HAVE to talk to you.

   SpellCheck has saved MILLIONS of drunk morons, and has been the scapegoat for stupid people since it's invention.

   Well.. I was going to vote for a candidate but I saw a meme on Facebook,,, so now I'm going to vote for another candidate

   Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.

   So, how is everybody enjoying the air guitars I sent them for Christmas?

   So do caterpillars know that they're going to become butterflies or do they just start building a cocoon and be like "WTF am I doing?"

   BOOP! -Zebra walking past a self-service checkout.

   If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'.... I'll turn around and look.

   The pottery scene from Ghost, but with a gyro meat spit.

   1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Philosophy is wondering if ketchup is a Smoothie.

   Coffee so black,, it's boycotting the Oscars.

   I was meditating this morning....ok, actually I was sitting on the toilet scrolling through Facebook on my phone...but, it still counts.

   I want to share something with each and every one of you..... Your money.