Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry you stood next to me at the urinal in sandals, bro. What did we learn from this unfortunate accident?

   Nurse::::You unplugged your grandmothers life support ,, well excuse me lady but ..My phone had 1% life left..

   We know how annoying it is when skinny girls keep talking about how fat they are. Stop fishing for damn compliments

   Your SMS inbox is your shopping updates app now. Card transaction information Order confirmation Package tracking Delivery Information

   "One man's trash is another man's treasure" is not the advisable way to tell your child he was adopted.

   Monday's don't suck... Your life does

   Monday's aren't bad.. You just hate your job

   For all you people thinking about giving healthy Halloween treats, just stop now while you are ahead

   Glen died on walking dead tonight guys

   A verbal agreement is not worth the paper it's printed on.

   It took McDonald's 30 years to serve breakfast all day and now they won't shut up bragging about it...

   your 15 second video will start after this 30 min. commercial...

   Are you butt dailing, cause I swear that a$$ is calling me

   Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator..

   Me as a doctor: Hey, I get paid whether you can maintain an erection or not buddy. Next!

   What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Mustang and banged all the cheerleaders? I'm the reason he passed calculus

   I'll sleep when you're dead.

   I'm the irrelevance in the room.

   You know those people that put a basket on their bike for their dog to ride along? Same but for tequila bottles

   I bet if I flashed my hand grenade this guy would let me merge