Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had the unfortunate task of telling my dog he's adopted today.

   I get turned on when women use the voice they use to talk to dogs ...

   When my wife asks the dog ,Who's the good boy.. I secretly wish that she says DADDY'S THE GOOD BOY.. ....but she never does

   When exactly in Earth's history did the climate not "change"?

   If you're too scared to dump somebody take them to ikea.

   I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig......It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

   I'd like to be offended by sex. Where do I register?

   It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

   Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been 35 years since my last confession, and I only ended up here because I thought it was the bathroom...Amen

   I always fist bump the cashier whenever my card doesn't get declined.

   Ribbed condoms taste nothing like ribs

   You sound like someone I'd drown in a toilet.

   I'm a big advocate of the 'You started it' method of defense in an argument.

   It's not a competition until you both go off your meds

   Not everyone is with the person they wanted. Some are just with the only person that would have them.

   Starting my weekend off right with a simmering rage. It's a beautiful day for violence!

   Ever watch the tv show 2 broke girls and get jealous of their bank account

   I have googled "does my dog really love me" more than twice

   Soooooo my Black friend just got mad at me, cause I called him a slave. Seriously, I was just yanking his chain!!

   In the movie "No Escape". The whites are saved by the Vietnamese. Karma beeyach