Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What exactly do you need to eat to achieve "wall splatter" in a public restroom?....* People amaze me.

   How to laundry like me... 1)Throw all clothes in washer & turn on... 2)Forget about for 7 days... 3)Smells mildew... 4)Repeat steps 1-3... 5)Buy new clothes

   Me: *places anti-diarrheal medication on checkout counter... Cashier: "Would you like a bag?"... Me: "No, I'll just go at home."

   I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards

   Now I'm not Mexicana but I think that new song "no me gusta" is Spanish for "That's not my Goose"

   This girl tweeted at me to DM her. What a weirdo, how am I supposed to Dungeon Master her?

   Nice try airport, you checked my bag and pockets for weed but you forgot to check my system. Hahahaha

   I too will be boycotting the Oscars. .. Oh, also I wasn't invited

   I wash my hands BEFORE I pee because my hands are dirty not my wiener

   Don’t be afraid to be open-minded. Your brain isn’t going to fall out.

   Tuesday is Groundhog Day, I'm very excited. I get up early on Groundhog Day...... I stuff the groundhog and I put it in the crock pot on low, and by the time I get home from work it's ready to go.

   If I become President, I'm going to change the name of the Rocky Mountains to the Smokey Mountains since weed is legal over there.

   Question, Is it still considered "drinking alone" if you're on Facebook?

   It's bad enough when the little voices in my head talk to me. But now they are texting.

   Sex is the only activity where hiring a professional is considered wrong and is often illegal.

   it too late for the Dowager Countess of Grantham to run for President??

   Don't worry Ted, if the whole Presidency thing doesn't work for you perhaps you should try to become the Prime Minister of Canada.

   Trump's wife, Millenium would be the best First Lady ever...we never had a model in that position before.

   Bristol Palin is not amused with Tina Fey's impression of her mother, Sarah Palin. Perhaps it's was Sarah Palin doing an impression on Tina Fey. No one ever thinks about that.

   I'm looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...