Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just heard a guy at the park tell his dog "NO!!!" and then more in a whisper, " We already talked about this!!!"

   "They're like, 12" -- The correct way to refer to anyone younger than you.

   Facebook needs a "I'll Drink To That" button.

   So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.

   Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her.

   In the shower: 2% washing, 8% singing, 90% winning fake arguments.

   Good to see Brian Williams is back on TV, he is now competing with late night infomercials.

   Bernie Sanders talks a lot of about free government programs, he's just wondering who will pay for his medications?

   If Bernie Sanders grows a beard, he'll be a wizard....

   Sad to say all your friends "Friends Day" videos are now in the 99 cent bin at Walmart.

   If you get an email titled "Nude Pictures of Sarah Palin" do not open it. It is a virus. If you get an email titled "Nude Pictures of Hillary Clinton" do not open it. It is nude pictures of Hillary Clinton.

   Do people who have wind chimes know that not having wind chimes is also an option

   YEAR IN REVIEW: January February March April May June July August September October November December...... *nice we did it, congrats folks

   Old man Bernie Sanders looks like that guy down the block driving around luring kids in with promises of free candy...

   Hillary Clinton naked. Oops. This isn't Google.

   Okay, I'm just going to admit it. I'm kinda disappointed this "Friends Day" video that everyone is posting has absolutely nothing to do with Jennifer Aniston. #mycelebritycrush

   I want a girl that likes long romantic walks. Because I don't have a car.

   Thank you Facebook for the friends day video I just deleted 99% of my Facebook "so called friends"

   [restaurant] *chef slams block of cheese down on plate... Me: But… Chef: Look, This is the best cheese in the world. It doesn't get any grater

   ME: Hi Mom,,, Please come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring. MOM: Honey, for the last time, you're not at a sleepover... You're married.