Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tonight's Jets/Bills football uniforms resemble my Starbucks cup.

   *I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death, but my bicycle gets stuck on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

   Farts are like children. I'm proud of mine and disgusted by yours.

   I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke

   I'm not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy

   Son: Do I sleep on my stomach or back?... Me: Your back, that way youre ready to fight if the monsters attack... Son: WAIT ??,,What? .... ME: Night son

   Hmmmm,,, "I've never been on a blind date before," I proclaimed while being jostled around in an unmarked van with a thick cloth hood over my head.

   *email from Domino's .....You haven't ordered pizza in 2 days... Is everything all right?

   After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?

   Besides watermelon, there should be airmelon, firemelon, and earthmelon.... The four elemelons.

   UGGS, The winter equivalent of Crocks. You approach me with Uggs, I'll assume you're a mental patient.

   The difference between you and me: You call the shots. And I drink them.

   Not now kids. I'm managing my online empire.

   On her knees with a nice scalp of hair is how I like seeing your girlfriend while you're away at work.

   If Bruce Jenner can win woman of the year, I see no reason why Sarah Jessica Parker can't win the Kentucky Derby.

   Cluelessness in dogs is cute but not so much in human beings.

   There is no such thing as 'American English'. There is English and there are mistakes.

   Be right with you, I'm not quite through disappointing this person yet.

   (An news article comment) "I'm going to go online and complain about this" watch the replies

   White privilege is how Amy Winehouse was considered a misunderstood soul and Whitney Houston was considered a crackhead.