Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just in case you are having a bad day, let's think about a fat cat that's stuck in the sink.

   You Only Live Once: So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, desperately seeking validation from strangers. After all it's 2016!!!

   Just in case you are having a bad day, let's think about a fat cat that's in the sink.

   Current Relationship Status: Sleeping diagonally across the Queen size bed.

   Let's see if there are an emotionally stable women tonight on The Bachelor. Nope, not tonight.

   Monday mornings: I am learning to trust the journey, wait a sec...where is my freaking coffee?!?!

   This is 2016. How come I can't email someone a fart when I feel like it?

   Fact: If the human population held hands across the equator, a significant portion of them would drown.

   I don't have a FitBit but every now and then I throw a $h!t-Fit.

   I don't need to drink to be a dork, I do it very well sober.

   Wait...you mean I can make phone calls with this selfie machine?

   You seem too lazy to file a restraining order. I like you.

   I don't have a FitBit. I'm pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don't need like bells and alarms and stuff.

   Made it to that level of dad where I just called dibs on the TV that I bought in the house that I own with the cable I pay for.

   We can all safely assume Cam Newton is crying himself to sleep tonight, tomorrow night, and quite possibly for the rest of his life.

   We just bought a parrot. Named it Marco Rubio.

   I need to lose 20 pounds, make $30,000 and sleep for 4 days all before tomorrow.

   Only 3 types of people tell the truth: Kids, drunk people, and anyone who is pissed the f*ck off.

   Carolina's goin' down like a Two-Dollar Ho.

   Shoot!!! I didn't know February 6th was National Lame Duck Day.