Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1403 of 6446

How to be happy on Valentines Day: Don't expect a goddamn thing from anyone.
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02-11-2016 05:51
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Bikini season is just around the corner. Unfortunately, so is the taco food truck.
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02-11-2016 05:48
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Each month has an average of 30-31 days....except the last month of pregnancy, which has 1453 days.
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02-11-2016 05:46
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Just found my coffee in the microwave for the 7th time today.
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02-11-2016 05:43
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Madonna is 57, her boyfriend is 24. Tina Turner is 77, her boyfriend is 42. J Lo is 46, her boyfriend is 28. Still single? Relax, your boyfriend isn't even born yet.
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02-11-2016 05:35
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Instead of celebrating Valentine's Day this year my wife and I will be celebrating... "Discount chocolate ovedose Monday....."
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02-11-2016 01:42
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Good Morning: You, my friends are the reason I wake up every morning ♥ LOL JK, I have to pee.

If your refund is more than you paid in taxes. You aren't getting YOUR TAXES back. You're getting MY TAXES back.
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02-10-2016 22:10 by BEGO
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"PLAY FREE BIRD!" -Me, drunk, at the Symphony
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02-10-2016 20:58 by snotty
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My super power is making conversations awkward by constantly adjusting my nuts while you talk.
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02-10-2016 19:38 by snotty
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I've been a HUGE fan of Bernie Sanders ever since he and Marty McFly went Back To The Future!
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02-10-2016 18:31
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Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I'll kill you.
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02-10-2016 15:44
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Females are simple bro: With them, Yes means Yes, & No means Yes, & No means No, & No means Maybe, but Maybe means Yes, and Maybe means No.....
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02-10-2016 15:18
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Dogs: This homework looks hard....Do you want me to eat it?
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02-10-2016 15:14
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I hate band names that are commands: Foster The People, Panic At The Disco, Imagine Dragons, and Walk The Moon. Don't f*ckin tell me what to do!!!
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02-10-2016 15:12
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Flawsome: (adj.) an individual who embraces their "flaws" and knows they're awesome regardless.
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02-10-2016 15:05
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F*ck Valentines Day -- Who's ready for Deadpool, Zoolander 2, and The Walking Dead?
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02-10-2016 14:58
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Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
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02-10-2016 14:55
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I don't want an Amazon Echo because I don't need another thing in my house that talks back to me...
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02-10-2016 14:36 by eengrms
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Diarrhea is a trait in my family. It runs in our genes.
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02-10-2016 14:34
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