Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't need a safe word, but you will.

   The biggest problem I see with Adele's relationship in her new song is that she needs to stop calling and start texting instead.

   California has the highest rate of Depression and Adultery. It's a sad state of affairs.

   Did you know the Boeing 767 is made up of 3.1 million parts from 800 manufacturers who were the lowest bidder. Anyways...have safe flights over the Thanksgiving holiday 

   Your Fortune Cookie for Today: A long-forgotten loved one will soon come back into your life. Buy the negatives at any price.

   What is it that I want out of life? An apology would be a good start.

   I didn't sign up for the 401K at work. There is no way I can run that far in the shape I'm in.

   FYI,,,, My grandma hides blue cookies in the back of her toilet.

   Does anyone know where I can get more Lite Brite pegs?... I'm trying to finish my will.

   You know, if Facebook is conflicting with your real life relationships then it's time to take a break. We need your full commitment over here!

   "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been..." "Ma'am, please just vote and exit the booth!

   SCOOBY DOO taught us that all the REAL monsters ARE human... 🙈🙉🙊

   Why is Kim K. like KFC? After you've finished with the thighs and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in. 🍗🍖🤑🤑😂😂😂

   A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone... 💍💍💍😂😂😂

   A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "feel horrible I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfec

   I bet the next couple of weeks is when those Ocean Spray sales execs really meet their quotas.

   My neighbor told me he childproofed his house. And the very next day his wife came home with a newborn... Worst... Childproofer... Ever.

   When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk... I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

   I drink Gatorade when I'm dehydrated because it replaces lost sodium, potassium, and yellow #5.

   Went to my niece's elementary school field day this week... I won every single event... Every... Single... Event.