Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How to be happy on Valentines Day: Don't expect a goddamn thing from anyone.

   Bikini season is just around the corner. Unfortunately, so is the taco food truck.

   Each month has an average of 30-31 days....except the last month of pregnancy, which has 1453 days.

   Just found my coffee in the microwave for the 7th time today.

   Madonna is 57, her boyfriend is 24. Tina Turner is 77, her boyfriend is 42. J Lo is 46, her boyfriend is 28. Still single? Relax, your boyfriend isn't even born yet.

   Instead of celebrating Valentine's Day this year my wife and I will be celebrating... "Discount chocolate ovedose Monday....."

   Good Morning: You, my friends are the reason I wake up every morning ♥ LOL JK, I have to pee.

   If your refund is more than you paid in taxes. You aren't getting YOUR TAXES back. You're getting MY TAXES back.

   "PLAY FREE BIRD!" -Me, drunk, at the Symphony

   My super power is making conversations awkward by constantly adjusting my nuts while you talk.

   I've been a HUGE fan of Bernie Sanders ever since he and Marty McFly went Back To The Future!

   Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I'll kill you.

   Females are simple bro: With them, Yes means Yes, & No means Yes, & No means No, & No means Maybe, but Maybe means Yes, and Maybe means No.....

   Dogs: This homework looks hard....Do you want me to eat it?

   I hate band names that are commands: Foster The People, Panic At The Disco, Imagine Dragons, and Walk The Moon. Don't f*ckin tell me what to do!!!

   Flawsome: (adj.) an individual who embraces their "flaws" and knows they're awesome regardless.

   F*ck Valentines Day -- Who's ready for Deadpool, Zoolander 2, and The Walking Dead?

   Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.

   I don't want an Amazon Echo because I don't need another thing in my house that talks back to me...

   Diarrhea is a trait in my family. It runs in our genes.