lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   She has a million dollar figure. But the top half is counterfeit.

   Never tell a dyslexic to cop a feel. Either way, they'll get hurt.

   ..what makes Monday mornings so tolerable is my favourite mug filled with coffee and familiar faces filled with gossip..

   Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

   Anything that is not about elephants is irrelphant.

   it fair to say that there'd be less litter in the world if blind people were given pointed sticks?

   Why do men name their penis? They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions.

   I just saw 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the most obvious one was "Shout For Help".

   If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

   Handle every situation like a dog.If you can't eat it or hump it,then p*ss on it and walk away.

   Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.

   Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving..

   They say that licking the back of a frog cures depression. The only problem is that once you stop,the frog gets depressed again.

   Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

   I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.

   I bought a dog and named him Stay. Poor thing gets confused when I call him "Come here,Stay!" "Come here,Stay!"

   Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I die before I wake. Then this will be my last status update.

   At the beach life is different. Time doesn't move hour to hour but mood to moment. We live by the currents, plan by the tides and follow the sun.

   Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, auditioning for the circus again.

   Does a coffin come with a life time guarantee?