SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Went on a scavenger hunt. Bagged six scavengers.

   I think it'd be cool if they put up a statue of me in a park where I'm shirtless and carving a statue of myself.

   Going on a walk. Like some kind of freakin' car-less hippie moron.

   You haven't truly won an argument until the other person says "whatever."

   Bills are like pubes; better when you don't have any.

   Disappointed the ATM didn't shoot out a burst of confetti to congratulate me for having enough to pull out twenty bucks.

   You're not a real man until you've loved a woman who does a little dance before she pushes out a fart.

   At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, "Make it 52"

   I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I'm going to be too busy sitting on mine.

   My friend complained that the place she's housesitting didn't have a corkscrew, but I found it in .02 seconds, for I...am a Booze Whisperer.

   I've had this bamboo plant on my desk for five weeks and I've yet to catch a single panda. :(

   If your hands don't look like you just delivered a baby when you finish eating wings....not enough hot sauce.

   I wonder if Satan ever gets tired of getting Xmas letters from dyslexic kids.

   I just baptized a bale of hay and now I have a Christian Bale.

   You know you're in a sh!tty bar when the food is colder than your beer.

   Right now I'm just eating oatmeal and then after that I don't know what. I am a man without limits. Also not wearing pants.

   If anyone needs me I'll be over on Facebook telling people their babies look atrocious.

   Don't worry guys, you can't die from loneliness. You can spontaneously combust from being too horny, however.

   I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle.

   'Erotic Thriller' always sounds better than 'Terrible Film.'