Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1397 of 6446

Do you think zombies have nightmares about necrophiliacs?
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02-15-2016 03:48
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Women are like puppies, if you hang around 1 for too long, eventually you'll bring it home & it will poop on everything you love.
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02-15-2016 03:47
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I have been putting a lot of thought into it and I just don't think being an adult is gonna work for me.
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02-15-2016 03:44
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Girl called me up today, said come on over, nobody is home......So I went over. She was right, nobody was home.
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02-15-2016 01:35
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All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall, lean in and whisper, "I'll do your housework."
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02-14-2016 18:36
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Women: On a bad day, there is always lipstick.
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02-14-2016 16:44
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Written inside a Valentines card: Jet fuel isn't hot enough to melt steel beams, but you are.
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02-14-2016 16:08
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Wishing a Happy Valentines to all those who are taken, almost taken, taken from granted, waiting to be taken, assumed to be taken, and those who aren't taken seriously.
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02-14-2016 15:37
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Happy Valentines Day. Today is not just about romantic couples, it's the day where everyone is loved for being who you are. If you are spending the day with friends, family, your significant other, or yourself...do something nice to treat yourself today.
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02-14-2016 15:30
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Shoutout to uteruses, the original 3-D printers.
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02-14-2016 15:25
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Roses are red, they go in a bucket, they cost 60 bucks so you'd better...
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02-14-2016 15:17 by John Y
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Blow jobs are a great last minute gift idea for Valentine's Day.
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02-14-2016 15:05
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A relationship is like a house. When a lightbulb burns out you do not go and buy a new house, you fix the lightbulb.
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02-14-2016 14:53
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The woman in front of me at Kroger had a box of wine, a flower arrangement, some cat treats and two packages of batteries. Is it wrong for me to assume that she is single and treating herself to a day in?
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02-14-2016 13:46 by John Y
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“I've dissected our earlier conversation and I think I might be mad at you.” - WOMEN

To Those Who Are Single. Have A Happy Go F#ck Yourself Day. . .
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02-14-2016 10:28
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Who cares if Peyton Manning stuck his privates in a girls face in 1996? He was 19. Even the Pope probably did sheet like that when he was 19.
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02-14-2016 10:24
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My wife doesn't like the way I eat, drink, sniff, dress, breath, laugh or cook, but according to this Valentines card she gave me I am perfect in every way.
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02-14-2016 09:46
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I have a midget friend. He's epileptic and makes pizzas for a living. I call him "Little Seizures." I'm going to h3ll.
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02-14-2016 08:39
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The love between a man and a woman acts like a mousetrap to lure a man towards a woman enticing him like a pure cheese, but is secretly tied with a trap.
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02-14-2016 04:51
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