Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shoutout to uteruses, the original 3-D printers.

   Roses are red, they go in a bucket, they cost 60 bucks so you'd better...

   Blow jobs are a great last minute gift idea for Valentine's Day.

   A relationship is like a house. When a lightbulb burns out you do not go and buy a new house, you fix the lightbulb.

   The woman in front of me at Kroger had a box of wine, a flower arrangement, some cat treats and two packages of batteries. Is it wrong for me to assume that she is single and treating herself to a day in?

   “I've dissected our earlier conversation and I think I might be mad at you.” - WOMEN

   To Those Who Are Single. Have A Happy Go F#ck Yourself Day. . .

   Who cares if Peyton Manning stuck his privates in a girls face in 1996? He was 19. Even the Pope probably did sheet like that when he was 19.

   My wife doesn't like the way I eat, drink, sniff, dress, breath, laugh or cook, but according to this Valentines card she gave me I am perfect in every way.

   I have a midget friend. He's epileptic and makes pizzas for a living. I call him "Little Seizures." I'm going to h3ll.

   The love between a man and a woman acts like a mousetrap to lure a man towards a woman enticing him like a pure cheese, but is secretly tied with a trap.

   Facebook needs to make a "Slap you in the face with a dictionary" button.

   Liking your own status on Facebook is like high-fiving yourself in public.

   Quick, someone take one for the team and fall in love with me. Happy Valentine's Day.

   The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.

   Don't you just want to write on some people's Facebook wall, "You peaked in high school."

   Valentines Day: Condoms are also awesome picnic supplies.

   A sign outside a Frat house: You honk we drink!!!

   Loves the Alerts app on my phone, it says: "OVER BUDGET....This month you spent $1,049.00 on Alcohol & Bars. This exceeds your budget of $20.00 by $1,029.00".

   Valentines Day: Remember, there is no problem a few dollars & the strip club can't solve.