Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you think zombies have nightmares about necrophiliacs?

   Women are like puppies, if you hang around 1 for too long, eventually you'll bring it home & it will poop on everything you love.

   I have been putting a lot of thought into it and I just don't think being an adult is gonna work for me.

   Girl called me up today, said come on over, nobody is home......So I went over. She was right, nobody was home.

   All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall, lean in and whisper, "I'll do your housework."

   Women: On a bad day, there is always lipstick.

   Written inside a Valentines card: Jet fuel isn't hot enough to melt steel beams, but you are.

   Wishing a Happy Valentines to all those who are taken, almost taken, taken from granted, waiting to be taken, assumed to be taken, and those who aren't taken seriously.

   Happy Valentines Day. Today is not just about romantic couples, it's the day where everyone is loved for being who you are. If you are spending the day with friends, family, your significant other, or yourself...do something nice to treat yourself today.

   Shoutout to uteruses, the original 3-D printers.

   Roses are red, they go in a bucket, they cost 60 bucks so you'd better...

   Blow jobs are a great last minute gift idea for Valentine's Day.

   A relationship is like a house. When a lightbulb burns out you do not go and buy a new house, you fix the lightbulb.

   The woman in front of me at Kroger had a box of wine, a flower arrangement, some cat treats and two packages of batteries. Is it wrong for me to assume that she is single and treating herself to a day in?

   “I've dissected our earlier conversation and I think I might be mad at you.” - WOMEN

   To Those Who Are Single. Have A Happy Go F#ck Yourself Day. . .

   Who cares if Peyton Manning stuck his privates in a girls face in 1996? He was 19. Even the Pope probably did sheet like that when he was 19.

   My wife doesn't like the way I eat, drink, sniff, dress, breath, laugh or cook, but according to this Valentines card she gave me I am perfect in every way.

   I have a midget friend. He's epileptic and makes pizzas for a living. I call him "Little Seizures." I'm going to h3ll.

   The love between a man and a woman acts like a mousetrap to lure a man towards a woman enticing him like a pure cheese, but is secretly tied with a trap.