Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We are the granddaughters of the witches you weren't able to burn.

   If I'm a sarcastic a$$hole when I talk to you it's either because I really like you and feel comfortable teasing you, or I really hate you and don't care if you know it. Good luck figuring out which one....

   My parents thought they were naming me something unique, but really they just signed me up for a life with a misspelled, mispronounced, never gonna find it on a Coke bottle name.

   I'm at the "What can I make with green beans and cake mix?" stage of needing groceries.

   The term "Redneck" is so offensive....they're called "Nascar Americans".

   I'll be betting on The Pope for the Pope vs. Trump showdown.

   Pro tip for the ladies: If you're taking a mirror selfie, look at the mirror not your camera...

   Dating someone who didn't even finish high school is so risky, what if they leave you like they left school?

   🎶Take me down to the Vatican City, Where Donald Trump is mean and the Pope is witty🎶

   " Why are you doing this? " - I ask myself daily

   Adele: Hello. Lionel Richie : Hello is it me you're looking for? Pink Floyd : Hello. Hello. Is anybody in there? Me: This conference call sucks.

   I just got an e-mail from a Nigerian Prince telling me that if I send him money, he could double it and send it back to me. So I e-mailed him back, "Kanye, is that you?"

   Renato Bialetti, who made the stovetop coffeemaker, the Moka Express, famous, was buried inside of one after dying at age 93.

   It's a, "I want to fake my own death, move to Mexico & live off of tacos & tequila type of day"....

   .... Global Warming is just a lot of hot air.

   Once upon a time a man was told to go f#ck himself and he lived happily ever after. . .

   wonders when the Pope will tear down the 39 foot tall wall that surrounds the Vatican; a sovereign country.

   Thank god for the UNFOLLOW function. With one click, they stop existing in your world and on your timeline.

   In the history of earth, no woman has ever successfully changed a man yet they keep trying to this very day.

   My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.