Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.

   OMG .... this is the Last Time I invite Frosty the Snowman to one of my Parties ............. all he has done all Night is Mess with the Damn Thermostat ...... who does that?!

   I'm starting to doubt that all of the people in this singing group are called Carol.

   Don't forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

   Hey, parents of an ONLY child considering having one more,, know that I just split an M&M in half........ An M&M...... in HALF

   Different set of tracks. Same old train wreck.

   pulled my groin playing reindeer games!

   I'll believe Jimmy Carter's brain cancer is gone when I hear it from someone who doesn't have brain cancer.

   If Bill Cosby were black he'd be in jail by now.

   What happens when you solve a Rubik's cube? Does it explode into Skittles or am I wasting my time?

   This woman just flipped me off and I couldn't agree more.

   I heard Justin Bieber is going transgender to become a man. He is going to use the name Bruce Jenner. He has already been awarded 936 man of the year awards too

   Does a redhead with whiskey in her pocket qualify as rye n ginger?

   Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.

   "Kiss me" she said. "Kiss me like I've never been kissed before"....So I crammed my tongue up her nose.

   My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day..

   I'd lilke to thank my dealer for today, I'm halfway through my businesss day and haven't killed anyone. You sir are a true Hero.

   Lazy is as lazy doesn't.

   Eyebrows so big and arched, you think you're seeing double in St Louis

   over the river and through the woods, man this Uber driver is lost