Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Just when you think you have buried the past, They find another Body...

   I am not afraid of heights... I am afraid of widths.

   ...When she walked away her ass looked like 2 midgets fighting under a blanket.

   If you can't laugh at yourself... I will gladly do it for you.

   I wore a leather jacket and a lady said a cow was murdered for that... I said so you were a witness now I have to kill you too.

   WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

   It's not easy being humble when you're flawless.

   Life is less like a box of chocolate and more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

   Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, just in case.

   The quickest way to get someone's attention is to no longer want it.

   My life has a superb cast... I just can't figure out the plot.

   Good news: I can breathe out of one nostril a little! Bad news: I sound like a tea kettle.

   My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's pissed that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.

   The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she's never around when I'm awake.

   "It sure is nice to not be out shopping." - sane people

   Just bought someone I don't really like something they don't really need. But I saved 10 bucks!!

   "The best revenge is a life well-lived" is so true, but it doesn't provide the instant gratification I seek.

   The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.

   These leftovers are gonna taste great in 3 hours.

   Thanksgiving: Stuff the bird, make some stuff, stuff the tables with the stuff you made, and last...(trumpet sounds)...stuff your FACE! ... You just made those trumpet sounds, didn't ya???