Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An UPS truck is like the adult version of an ice cream truck.

   If I ever go missing, I would like my photo put on beer cans instead of milk cartons. This way my friends will know to look for me.

   Kinky is using a feather....Freaky is using the whole chicken.

   Does anyone else clean their phone on their boob or is that just me?

   People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.

   My therapist told me "Time heals all wounds", so I stabbed him. Now we wait....

   Women plan to look so hot at their wedding that their "something blue" is everyone's balls.

   I could be wrong but I think Kanye West is on the verge of having a Britney 2007 meltdown.

   Fact: The universe is made up of protons, neutrons, electrons and morons.

   People who laugh so hard at their own jokes that they can't even finish the joke because they're laughing so hard are my favorite kind of people.

   I don't know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.

   Oh hi Becky, who refused to kiss me during Spin The Bottle in 6th grade & now wants to play Candy Crush, looks like the tables have turned.

   I'm not a morning person, heck I'm not an afternoon person either, I pretty much start fuctioning at about 6 pm.

   That moment when you realize you might have made a mistake letting your 5 year old watch The Walking Dead....

   Asking how my day at work went is like asking how a drive-by shooting went....I'm just happy I got out alive!

   When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment .... NOW I consider it a mini vacation.

   If y'all hate the Republican candidates so much ...... why don't you find some better candidates?

   ..... Of course I talk to myself ... heck .... Sometimes I need expert advice!!!

   Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.

   Friendship is so weird, you just pick a human you've met and you're like "Yep I like this one" and you just do stuff with them.