Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel a spree coming on. It's either shopping or killing, I haven't decided yet.

   After watching TV with my kids, I think I have figured out what's wrong with this generation....their cartoons suck.

   Dear women, he does not want a watch for his Birthday. He wants you to dress like a hooker, handcuff him to a chair and have the kind of sex with him that would definitely upset churchgoing people.

   I think a man with a helmet defending his country should make more money than a man with a helmet defending a football.

   All these 9 year olds with their iPhones, iPads, and laptops....when I was 9, I felt cool with new markers.

   Don't forget to pay your taxes this year so the Government can give it to people that don't work as hard as you.

   Has anyone else noticed that the sign "&" looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor?

   I came out as a lesbian to my best friend a few years ago, this weekend I'm taking her last name because I am marrying her sister. Screw my homophobic ex "BFF".

   What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common? They can smell it, but they can't eat it.

   Animal Kingdom Fact: Cheetos are fastest land munchie

   This stop sign has been red for half an hour.... I'm about to just go

   INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS: 1) Know when to hold em... 2) Know when to fold em... 3) Know when to walk away... 4) Know when to run.

   IF YOU'VE HAD CATS,,,,,,, THE SINGLES VIRUS MAY ALREADY BE INSIDE YOU.

   Dear Girl Scouts, Your Mints did not make me Thin...... P.S.... Please send more.

   Well, I learned this week that ya don't buy your Parmesan at the Dollar Tree.

   The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works 24 hours a day and 365 days a year from birth until you fall in love.

   Some humans believe that escalators have special powers that suck all moving abilities from their legs as soon as their feet touch one.

   If we had to pay for internet ink. Facebook wouldn't exist.

   Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other stuff wrong with my car I'd turn the radio down.

   I'm like Hugh Hefner....minus the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. So basically, I have a robe.