Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.

   96% of online doctors on websites say your good grammar is essential so they can properly diagnose your medical problem.

   Bert + Ernie = Bernie. Coincidence?!?! I think not.

   Nothing like the days when you'd tell your parents you were at a sleepover, instead you'd feel like dying in a field from drinking too much vodka.

   Canadians: What are these igloo-dwelling hosers who can no longer apply to be "Jeopardy!" contestants.

   Most people on their 16th Birthday get a car, I got an inflatable dinosaur costume and not gonna lie, I'm in love.

   My dog vomited last night at 4 am. At least he kept me company while I cleaned it up.

   Guns don't kill people, Dads with pretty daughters kill people.

   Kanye West makes a song about gold diggers, but now has to ask Mark Zuckerberg for money.

   If you ‪#‎FeeltheBern‬ you may want to see a doctor. You probably have a UTI or STD.

   My wife just complimented me on my new Alligator shoes, but the only problem with that is that I wasn't wearing any shoes.

   Let's just stay at this liquor store until we run out of supplies. - me during the zombie apocalypse

   Why disappoint others, when you can disappoint yourself.

   You know you're getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

   I think fire safety courses should require having to do the Safety Dance.

   If a Chinese person is giving you driving directions, does he say "Turn right at the chopsticks in the road."?

   My wife is not speaking to me. We watched an old video of our wedding and she realized that I said "You'll do" instead of "I do." My wife is not speaking to me.

   A committee is NOT established to determine what is causing global cooling. Billions of taxpayer dollars are saved.

   Stop saying I'm hard to shop for. Surely you know where the liquor store is.

   Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....