Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like my coffee to be a reflection of myself. Dark, bitter, and too hot for you.

   Everytime this post is liked, the writer of this post gets kicked in the genitals.

   Back in the day, there wasn't so many warning labels on things. People weren't so freaking stupid.

   If I hit snooze three times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I'll be out sick.

   The human brain is freaking amazing. It functions 24/7 from when we were born & only stops when you take a test or talk to someone attractive.

   Ya'll been dating for three days and you're already saying "I love you" = But that's none of my business.

   A single kind word or a photo of your boobs can make somebody's day.

   The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.

   What do you call a woman with no a$$hole? Divorced!

   I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.

   I've decided February is a trial month too, I'll sort out my life in March....

   Caller ID should be more specific. It should say things like, "Needs to borrow money" or "Will whine about petty stuff".

   Jeb Bush always looks like a substitute teacher that just got some attitude from the problem student.

   Answering your cell when you don't recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.

   Pizza deserves the same rights as burgers....

   Neither of the Democrat candidates have the balls to be president.

   I am so glad I don't hunt animals, I have no clue where gluten-free tacos live?!?!

   Money can buy the f*ck out of happiness. Anyone who tells you otherwise has small genitals because people with small genitals say weird stuff.

   So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

   Immigrants are like sperm. Millions get in...only one works!