Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes the wine glass is just a waste of time

   My girl got naked and asked me to "Show her a good time." So I showed her Facebook pics of me with my friends the night before...

   You should always give your wine room to breathe. If you notice it's not breathing, place your lips on the bottle and administer mouth to mouth.

   Back in my day it was called daydreaming…not ADHD.

   How can you say Trump is like Hitler, did you fondle both of their genitals?

   Whenever a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch, just to let them know what I'm capable of.

   My wife got naked and asked me to "Show her a good time." So I showed her Facebook photos of me with my friends before we got married.

   If you wife asks what would you do without me? "Live happily ever after," is not the correct answer.

   A wedding ring is the smallest handcuff ever made, choose your prison mate wisely.

   Burger King is the only fast food I trust... because it costs $10.47 for a chicken sandwich and takes 40minutes to prepare...

   What if Gordon Ramsay voiced a GPS? "Great job, you missed the bloody exit you f*cking disgrace."

   If you like having sex while listening to music -- always choose a live album. That way you'll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes.

   Early morning sex has been proven to be more effective than coffee.

   I always say "Morning" instead of "Good Morning" because if it was a good morning I would still be in my bed and not talking to people.

   You're so vain, you probably think this ritualistic cursed voodoo doll, I made in your likeness, is about you.

   Do you think Chewbacca has human genitals or one of those red rocket things that dogs get? George Lucas won't respond to my email.

   Brace yourself, the warm weather is bringing out white girls that tan too much and think they look good, but they really look like Oompa Loompas.

   Trump is the Kanye West of white folks.

   its stupid when girls say they cant find a guy, yet they ignore me. its like saying youre hungry when theres a hot dog on the ground outside

   Did anyone ever have a nightmare where your smart phone gets destroyed... and then you wake up? Best feeling ever.