Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   GERMAN. Scientist "I've created super broccoli to fight heart disease"... U.S. Scientist "I've created a way to stuff an oreo inside another oreo"

   Girl Scout cookie season is specifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year's resolutions.

   KKK is part of the democratic party...

   (1st day in heaven)... Me: Whoa, is that Elvis?... Angel: No, it's an impersonator... Me: Wow, is that... Angel: Listen man, all we got is impersonators

   am I the only person watching Fuller House waiting for Bob Saget to tell the daughters how he met their mother?

   I don't need a thesaurus I know a lot of very very very good words

   My husband was holding the baby monitor watching her sleep, and I asked him if he wanted another one. He thought I was offering to go get him another beer.

   In China it's considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

   I have alot of good personality traits,,,,, I just don't happen to have them on me at the moment.

   Not feeling smart today? Just remember there are grown adults who actually still actually believe Hillary Clinton.

   Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs. His wife, Hillary got $8 million for hers. That’s $20 million for memories from two people who for eight years repeatedly testified under oath, that they couldn’t remember anything.

   Why America is screwed... People like Chumlee on Pawn Stars is making money on TV instead of manning a fry station.

   The 13 year old girl I was chatting with just told me she is a police officer. Amazing.....she's only 13 and already has a strong work ethic..

   I never heard of her either. Amanda who ?

   Piss me off and I'll put you on my kid's school fundraiser mailing lists

   In the news today Amanda Bynes got a haircut. Why is this news, who the f#uck is she and who the f#ck cares. . .

   [pees all over your front porch]..... YOU'RE MY WIFE NOW.

   If I ever become senile,, I just want to be as oblivious as people who respond seriously to humorous rhetorical questions on FB.

   A good way to handle when your kid asks, "Mom, what happens to me after I die?".. is to pull out a trombone and play "waa waaaa" in his face.

   My kid sent me a text asking to buy him some decaf, certified organic coffee... I wished him good luck in life.. I'll miss him.