Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Zombies eat brains, I know a lot of people who have nothing to worry about. . .

   Think I will get a night job being a cuddler. After 8 hrs the $ex is free. . .

   Yikes. don't google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"

   This Women's Day, the real woman of substance is Maria Sharapova.

   The guy who invented email, sadly, has died. ---actually he died a few days ago, but they just found him in somebody's spam folder.

   (Glass breaks) Her: I think someones breaking in! Me: I'll take care of this! (grabs a toilet brush) Her: A toilet brush? What are you going to do scrub him to death? Me: Would you want to be touched with this?

   Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you could be eligible for compensation.... Please call Goldstein and Goldstein to see what your case may be worth.

   Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village.... Hi,, I'm Sarah McLachlan

   Selfie sticks are this generation's fanny packs...

   Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I'm spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.

   I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

   Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain... Me: [can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain]

   If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is.

   [At the Border] Officer: “You American?”... Me: “Deep”... *Officer squints*... Me: “Fried”... *squints harder*... Me: “Guns”... "Welcome back, Sir."

   "Be careful when you follow the Masses. Sometimes the 'M' is silent."

   You know the economy is bad when even the wages of sin are frozen.

   Romance tip: When you are lying in bed with your wife and she asks "What you would like to do with my body more than anything else?", "Identify it." is probably not a good answer.

   I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.

   You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When Juan Valdez named his donkey after you

   If a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he's not in?