Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jack Daniels gives you the courage to talk to attractive women, disables your genitals.

   There no room for BS in my life unless it's Burritos and Salsa.

   Never trust people who talk to their pets in normal voices.

   ....Smiling at someone that hates you because you're an a$$hole like that.

   Most college girls join a sorority....few earn the title of a US Marine.

   I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven't pooped it out yet. Really scared now!

   [At job interview] Interviewer: Do you have a police record?... Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette... *hires me instantly

   [buying treadmill]... Me: Can I try it out first?... Salesperson: Sure... Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it).. Hmmm, I like it.

   I don't like who I am at buffets.

   I typed hahahahahaha,,, and it got autocorrected to hahaha and I was like,, "yeah, you're probably right"

   When someone is near the edge I like to push them over so they can begin their recovery earlier

   4: Mommy, where do babies come from?..... Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much...

   Looks at growing laundry piles *Deep sigh... Kids , we're nudists now

   I just had a small salad with a side of carrots for lunch and now I know why women are so horrible to each other.

   Apparently,,,, The first rule of Fight Club is to get caught looking at another woman.

   Yesterday I told my wife to embrace her mistakes. She cried and then she hugged me. FML.

   My phone autocorrects "Lil Wayne" to "LOL Wayne" - so I guess it's right sometimes.

   Submarines are safer than airplanes because there are more airplanes in the sea than submarines in the sky.

   I have the paper towel usage of a much wealthier man.

   My phone is on its 4th charge for the day. So don't talk to me about commitment.