Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kim Kardashian twieeted a nude selfie yesterday. If Kim wants us to see a part of her we've never seen, she's gonna have to swallow the camera.

   Me: Should I buy it? Brain: No!! Wallet: No!! Parents: No!! Cat: Meow NO!! Universe: NO!! Me: Sold.

   Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven't spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....

   "The righteous are those who feed the poor, the orphan and the captive for the love of God, saying: 'We feed you for the sake of God Alone; we seek from you neither reward nor thanks.'"

   Only if some people knew how silly, stupid and ridiculous they look while holding a selfie stick...

   There's so many pictures of trump thrusting an index finger at me in my timeline, I'm starting to feel violated and a little horny.

   I may be my own worst enemy but there is a hell of a lot of competition out there vying to unseat me.

   I know they didn't ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.

   Well, I've come to the conclusion that nobody can tell me how to get to Sesame St. . .

   Picking a president to vote for this term is like picking the STD that I would be the most okay with having.

   Why are all these liberals only going to move to Canada if Trump gets elected? What's wrong with Mexico?

   ....The U.S. Defense Dept. has been making plans in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse ... Since Zombies eat brains ... It was determined that the US Congress would be safe.

   The guy who invented email, sadly, has died. He's been moved to the Permanently Deleted Items folder.

   If Zombies eat brains, I know a lot of people who have nothing to worry about. . .

   Think I will get a night job being a cuddler. After 8 hrs the $ex is free. . .

   Yikes. don't google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"

   This Women's Day, the real woman of substance is Maria Sharapova.

   The guy who invented email, sadly, has died. ---actually he died a few days ago, but they just found him in somebody's spam folder.

   (Glass breaks) Her: I think someones breaking in! Me: I'll take care of this! (grabs a toilet brush) Her: A toilet brush? What are you going to do scrub him to death? Me: Would you want to be touched with this?

   Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you could be eligible for compensation.... Please call Goldstein and Goldstein to see what your case may be worth.