Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1374 of 6384
I like to sleep naked, so if there's any kind of emergency I immediately make it sexy...
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01-02-2016 17:52 by Scmc1st
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my new years resolution is 800 x 600
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01-02-2016 17:51 by Eddy
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[dogs around campfire] *flashlight on face* and when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time
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01-02-2016 14:02 by Aaron
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Commercials: Now brought to you with limited football interruption.
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01-02-2016 14:00 by Aaron
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If her bra matches her panties when she takes her clothes off, then it wasn't the guy that decided to have sex.
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01-02-2016 13:56
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The owner of this bar is arguing with me that Mourinho is a better manager than Wenger. I just had to remind him that "the customer is always right Sir"
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
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01-02-2016 10:21
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My family thinks on New Years Day that Black Eyed Peas matter....Had to remind them that ALL peas matter.
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01-02-2016 04:51
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Eat a whole pizza and people say, whoa you were hungry! Eat a whole cake and people say, dude you've got a problem!
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01-02-2016 01:30
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My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don't tell me about your rough childhood.
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01-01-2016 19:35 by snotty
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Okay atheists, if God doesn't exist, then explain women who like Star Wars
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01-01-2016 14:09 by snotty
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You carry yourself like someone with a much higher credit rating.
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01-01-2016 13:57
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Excuse me but are these coffins gluten-free?
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01-01-2016 13:55
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I wish my wife's milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
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01-01-2016 13:53
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Don't get it. Heard the phrase "keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir". Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
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01-01-2016 12:56 by Aaron
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I'm amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I'm still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
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01-01-2016 11:37 by RC
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Still waiting for my wife to tell me what my 2016 resolution is going to be.
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01-01-2016 09:11
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Hey New Years Rockin Eve.... WHERE"S THE ROCK????
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12-31-2015 21:29
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Last New Years I resolved to lose five pounds...I only have ten to go...
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12-31-2015 18:50
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Sorry, guys. Totally forgot to write any New Years jokes. I really dropped the ball.
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12-31-2015 15:56 by Aaron
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